tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39072000284527644882024-02-07T19:25:58.484-05:00WTF (What the Feminist)A cozy little corner of the internet that I can call my own, where I can rant and rave at will about the discrimination, sexism, injustice and outright misogyny facing us women in this day and age.IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-54857654924242276452017-11-19T15:40:00.001-05:002017-11-19T15:40:55.092-05:00Hunting Season[TW: Rape, sexual assault] <br />
<br />
It's interesting what happens when the hunters become the hunted, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Over the last few weeks, more and more victims of sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape have come forward. I'm sure even more will come forward in the weeks and months to come. Something happened when Harvey Weinstein was utterly destroyed for his reprehensible crimes. Women began to think that maybe, just maybe, they would actually get justice after all. And so one woman came forward. And then another. And another. And as each woman raised her voice, the men who had silenced them for so long were suddenly forced to face the consequences of their actions. Valuable things were taken away. Careers were ended. Punishments were meted out. <br />
<br />
Women across the country breathed a cautious and wary sigh of relief.<br />
<br />
And men began to feel threatened, for some reason--they are <i>so terrified</i> that there's about to be some kind of hysterical mob
violence where men are rounded up and accused of sexual
assault for funsies. Which is weird, because the FBI consistently puts the false report rate at 8%, and <a href="https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf" target="_blank">this study done by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center in 2012</a> indicates false report rates between 2-6% in varying cities and states. It's no higher than the false report rate for any other crime. <br />
<br />
So it's almost like, if a woman comes forward saying she's been raped, the likelihood of her lying is 2-8%. <b>It's almost like, if a woman comes forward saying you've raped her, the likelihood that you've done it is 92-98%. </b><br />
<br />
<span><span class="_5mdd"><span><b>I'm starting to think that if you've
never raped or sexually assaulted anyone, you shouldn't be this
concerned that women are feeling like they can come forward and name their attackers.</b></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span><span class="_5mdd"><span>It's interesting how you're so quick to demand that people trust the justice system until it's you in the handcuffs, you in the defendant's chair. If you're not guilty, you don't have anything to worry
about. </span></span></span><span><span class="_5mdd"><span>Isn't that what you always say to folks who are falsely arrested while exercising their right to protest? Maybe you should just let the justice system do its job--once you've been thoroughly investigated, you'll be exonerated. Just relax and let the system work, right?</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span><span class="_5mdd"><span>Well, time to eat your words. If you've never raped
anyone, you don't have anything to worry about. Maybe you should just let the justice system do its job. Once you've been thoroughly investigated, you'll be exonerated. Just relax and let the system work. If you're not guilty, you don't have anything to worry about.</span><br /><br /><span>Do you?</span></span></span>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-34604569496899312892017-11-06T21:07:00.000-05:002017-11-06T21:07:46.389-05:00Sutherland Springs<div class="MsoNormal">
TW for gun violence, particularly against children]</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time of this posting, you’re likely aware of what
happened <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/texas-church-shooting/several-casualties-reported-texas-church-shooting-n817751">on
Sunday night in Sutherland Springs, TX</a>—26 people gone. Gunned down by a “mentally
ill lone wolf” who they will refuse to label as a terrorist because he's white—and I refuse to use his name
because I don’t want to add to his inevitable infamy—who was allowed access to an
automatic rifle despite being discharged from the military and court martialed
for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">assaulting his wife and child</i>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t even know how to describe my emotional state at this
point. I’m beyond angry. Furious doesn’t cover it. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_Las_Vegas_shooting">Because we keep
letting this happen</a>. <a href="http://www.abc15.com/news/national/mass-shootings-in-the-u-s-over-270-mass-shootings-have-occurred-in-2017_">Over
and over and over again</a>. <b>Because when it's white men committing the violence with what they believe are their Constitutionally-guaranteed guns, apparently it's perfectly okay.</b> Because in this particular instance, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/texas-church-shooting/about-half-victims-texas-church-shooting-were-children-n817896">half
the victims were CHILDREN</a></i></b>. CHILDREN. One of those children was just
18 months old. One victim was eight months pregnant. Her fetus was just a month
or so away from being a newborn baby. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re wondering why you don’t hear our pro-life
Republican representatives demanding sensible gun control, <b>that’s because they’re
not</b>. Because they’re busy offering “thoughts and prayers” instead. And that’s
because they don’t actually care about a fetus’ “right to life.” If they
actually care about fetuses, they should demand immediate action on sensible
gun control legislation. But they won't. <b>Because even if they believe that a
fetus is essentially an already living, breathing child, we’ve already established
that it’s not about saving fetuses—it’s about controlling women’s bodies and
therefore their lives. Always has been.</b> Their radio silence on this most recent mass shooting is
perfect evidence of that. But we also know that dead children isn’t enough to
sway them from that sweet, sweet NRA money, anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Because we’ve done this before.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We lost 20 children—babies, really—at <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/20-children-among-dead-in-connecticut-school-massacre-1.1134782">Sandy
Hook Elementary</a> back in 2012 and not a single common-sense piece of gun
control legislation ever got passed. No one even bothered to fight for it. They
just offered thoughts and prayers, as usual, and life went on. A year passed.
Two years. Now five. More people died. More children. So much death that could
have easily been prevented had the Republicans just pried their fingers from
their guns and their NRA membership cards for one fucking second and passed
some fucking gun control. But no. Their love of the 2<sup>nd</sup> Amendment (and
those super-shiny NRA paychecks, of course) superseded those kids’ right to
life, and so they did nothing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And they will do nothing now.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fact that a fetus likely died with a bullet through it won’t
even make them flinch. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And life will go on. For some of us, anyway. </div>
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-53242635399366595692017-08-01T14:40:00.001-04:002017-08-01T15:18:51.113-04:00And the Hits Just Keep on ComingReproductive rights are non-negotiable. Reproductive rights are non-negotiable. REPRODUCTIVE. RIGHTS. ARE. NON. NEGOTIABLE.<br />
<br />
What's that? Oh no, I'm not talking to the Republican Party. I'm not even talking to the Txxxp administration. Believe it or not,<i> I'm actually talking to <a href="http://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/344196-dem-campaign-chief-vows-no-litmus-test-on-abortion" target="_blank">the Democratic Party leadership</a>.</i><br />
<br />
Just yesterday, the Democratic campaign chief, Rep. Ben Ray Luján (D-N.M.) indicated that the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) will continue to fund Democratic candidates who oppose abortions, stating that "There is not a litmus test for Democratic candidates....As we look at
candidates across the country, you need to make sure you have candidates
that fit the district, that can win in these districts across America.” In other words, they seem to think that licking the boots of the Republicans and the alt-right will help them win back the House in 2018.<br />
<br />
<b>I'm here to say that, if they think making reproductive rights a negotiable bargaining chip will help them gain more votes, they are delusional.</b> They will lose more votes from women, LGBTQ people, etc. than they will gain from old, white, male Republicans, as we do not take kindly to having our rights reclassified as being non-essential when they become inconvenient to the Democrats' success rate. <br />
<br />
It is not a coincidence that the all-male Democratic leadership does not consider reproductive rights to be essential--not just to the party platform, but to <b>women</b>! Apparently we can just drop the issue for the moment and we can pick it up again when the time is right, sweetie. If you need any proof that the current Democratic leadership doesn't give a fuck about women, think about this: <b>anti-abortion politicians, whether Republican or Democrat, will vote for anti-abortion legislation</b>. The Democratic Party leadership is not stupid--they know this. However, <i>even with that knowledge in mind</i>, <b>instead
of doubling down on reproductive rights and continuing to press it as a
non-negotiable issue after the presidential election, they have instead decided that our right to bodily autonomy, our right to decide if and when we have children, is worth sacrificing for votes. </b><br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
The Democratic party, as it stands right now, does not give a fuck about women.
It does not give a fuck about LGBTQ people. It does not give a fuck about
anyone who needs reproductive healthcare services, abortion or not. It does not give a fuck if they vote in anti-abortion politicians who will
continue to strip us of our reproductive rights until they disappear, as
long as they get the votes they want. We really need to think about what will happen if there comes a future when candidates from both major political parties, the parties that tend to win elections, are anti-abortion. <br />
<br />
<b>Do you want the Handmaid's Tale? Because this is how you get the Handmaid's Tale. And it's clear that, with men in charge, we can't have basic human rights in ANY party. </b></div>
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-19384036175312006562017-01-23T15:09:00.000-05:002017-01-23T15:14:08.534-05:00Call to Action: Day 4 of the ResistanceThe Women's March, which had representation in all seven continents, took place on Saturday, January 21st, to the tune of <a href="https://qz.com/891978/womens-march-one-out-of-every-100-americans-took-to-the-street-according-to-estimates/" target="_blank">3.67 million marchers on the low end and 4.6 million on the high end</a> of estimations. More than one out of every 100 Americans took to the streets to voice their outrage at this incoming administration and voice their determination to fight and resist at every turn. Many people, Drumpf included, voiced their confusion about the necessity of this march. They argued that women already have all the rights and privileges that they could possibly need. What was the point of this march, really? <br />
<br />
A bill was recently introduced to the House of Representatives on Tuesday, January 17th. A full four days prior to the march, and yet nobody knew about its existence until yesterday and today. Even now, most people you inform of the existence of this bill are surprised to know that it's there. This bill, titled <a href="https://www.congress.gov/bill/115th-congress/house-bill/586" target="_blank">H.R.586</a>, posits that "human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization." <b>This is why women marched</b>. <b>This is EXACTLY why</b>. Because from the moment Drumpf set foot into the Oval Office, we knew that he and his administration would start decimating reproductive rights as we know them. This bill sets a dangerous precedent for our country, on a number of levels, and needs to be voted down. <br />
<br />
If this bill passes into law, it will make abortion access, and very likely contraception, a thing of the past. With life defined as beginning at fertilization, abortion will be criminalized and defined as murder (even though, interestingly enough, when you ask pro-lifers what the punishment should be for women who have abortions, they usually cannot, or will not, give an answer). The "pro-lifers" who believe that contraception terminates pregnancies, some of whom are our political representatives, will look to deny women access to birth control using the language of H.R. 586 as their justification--seeing as <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/01/22/politics/kellyanne-conway-alternative-facts/" target="_blank">"alternative facts"</a> are perfectly acceptable now, the legitimate fact that contraception does not actually terminate pregnancies will not matter. <b>Women's bodily autonomy will be a distant memory, and all the bloodshed from pre-<i>Roe v. Wade </i>will return to our doorsteps, back alleys, and hospital ERs in very short order.</b> This bill will also set a dangerous precedent for women who have wanted pregnancies and are facing a miscarriage, fetal anomaly, or other medical issue that requires an abortion (early or late term). What's to stop Congress from forcing women to carry non-viable pregnancies to term, even if it kills them? What's to stop Congress from criminalizing miscarriages and imprisoning women for something along the lines of "suspected abortion?" <b>What's to stop Congress from ultimately using <i>The Handmaid's Tale</i> as an instruction manual rather than a cautionary tale? </b><br />
<br />
The reality is that bills like these, laws like these, do not "save babies." <b>They kill women.</b> Women like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Savita_Halappanavar" target="_blank">Savita Halappanavar</a>, <b>who died after being refused a life-saving abortion during a miscarriage</b>. Women like <a href="http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/impact-of-illegal-abortion/" target="_blank">all those who died prior to the Roe v. Wade decision</a><b>--approximately 5,000 women ANNUALLY in the United States--</b>bleeding to
death in back-alley abortion clinics and dying of sepsis in hospital
emergency rooms from DIY abortions gone wrong. Women who poisoned themselves with
whatever they had in their medicine and/or kitchen cabinets rather than
go through with an unwanted pregnancy. As I wrote <a href="http://wtfwhatthefeminist.blogspot.com/2016/06/5-3.html" target="_blank">in a previous post</a><span data-offset-key="c34dv-0-0"><span data-text="true">, <b>women
will have abortions, </b></span></span><span data-offset-key="c34dv-0-0"><span data-text="true"><b>bills and laws notwithstanding, whether they are safe or not</b>. Whether they are done
by a professional or a back-alley "doctor" or the woman herself. <b>These
politicians know this. They know.</b> </span></span><span data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0"><span data-text="true">They know that women who do not want to be pregnant will do whatever they have to do in order to no longer be pregnant.</span></span><span data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0"><span data-text="true"> <b>They know that women who do not have access to safe, legal abortions generally end up injured or dead. </b></span></span><b></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
But, as I also mentioned <a href="http://wtfwhatthefeminist.blogspot.com/2016/06/5-3.html" target="_blank">in that same previous post</a><span data-offset-key="c34dv-0-0"><span data-text="true"></span></span>, <span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><b>it was never about protecting women's health</b>.</span></span><span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true"> Our political representatives who claim to be "pro-life" are fully prepared to ignore (or even condone)
the</span></span><span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true"> fully preventable deaths of actual living, breathing women</span></span>, fully prepared to step over the corpses of women in the streets, in order to prove how "pro-life" they are. </span></span>The fact of the matter is, we have laws in this country that state that we cannot be forced to donate organs, blood, or any other living tissue to another human being, EVEN AFTER WE ARE DEAD, unless our express consent has been given. And yet, somehow, it's perfectly acceptable to force women to give up their bodily autonomy for approximately 40 weeks--from the moment she becomes pregnant, her body is no longer hers. She becomes a mere vessel for the fetus. <b>In many states where abortion access is practically nonexistent, pregnant women literally have fewer rights than corpses do.</b> To say that this is unacceptable is the understatement of the century. <br />
<br />
For those of you who have read up to this point, for those of you who are beyond angry, I'm issuing a call to action and I want you to do three things:<br />
<br />
1. <a href="http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/" target="_blank">Contact your House representative</a> and tell them to vote NO on H.R. 586<br />
2. <a href="https://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/" target="_blank">Contact your Senators</a> and tell them to vote NO on H.R. 586<br />
3. Read <a href="https://amandaching.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/67/" target="_blank">this short story titled "ILU-486"</a>. Bookmark it. Read it every day that you feel like you can't fight anymore, because this could very well be our reality if we don't fight back NOW. IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-14688746790893677862017-01-22T03:26:00.000-05:002017-01-22T03:27:54.530-05:00Women, and Witches, Get Shit DoneI participated in the Women's March on NYC today--sort of. I went with my best friend of 20 years, her parents, and their friends. The crowd was so
huge that we never actually got to march in the actual march itself--the
streets were so crowded that they were basically a parking lot, which
makes me so. Fucking. Happy. As of this writing, the estimated total number of marchers in NYC is <a href="http://abc7ny.com/news/mayors-office-official-count-on-nyc-womens-march-exceeds-400k/1713720/" target="_blank">400,000</a>, much higher than they anticipated. Approximately 3 million people, obviously a majority women, marched across all seven continents, with <a href="https://thinkprogress.org/womens-march-outnumber-trump-inauguration-e5659e80e7c4" target="_blank">our marchers outnumbering the Trump inauguration attendance by a staggering amount</a>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQJD8iDV-xp-PFl-yDYgLC45ZI0yuzL-DF2rjDtCEmV70u70Bh3ayhOzvcCedoYJoqCoJoiQj4Y7UQDt4NqEa5MPyAXO-0sjLe5yrFTqC6zGM-Qr2nIwK-YysbDfZAFHPAjeGzNhiHCNg/s1600/March+-+Copy.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>M<span style="color: #0000ee;"><u><span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>entally</u></span> prepping <span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>to be part of what would turn out <span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>to be a 3 million person march across al<span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>l seven cont<span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>in<span style="color: #0000ee;"><u>ents</u></span></u></span></u></span></u></span></u></span></u></span></u></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
If you want to get an idea of the scope of the NYC march, take a peek at this <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/NYDailyNews/videos/10154132369132541/" target="_blank">video footage of the march from the Daily News. </a></span> <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwGbO0ryyXeHS1Nhj66l0PoVcEeWagFzdSNvHYuaJQMYlcwYkZbiOyojydC-6XtC2PhaivG4VLc9C2UICKKjKP6kvdjfTrWvMJdCX5K8wTpyw5cxW-V42_HPNFOPATfEhMtQ5ai0eiAxs/s1600/March+2+-+Copy.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shitty cell phone pictures, because I forgot to charge my camera</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since we couldn't get into the march itself, we walked around the perimeter instead and
cheered from the sidelines. And the streets. Were.
Packed. The sidewalks were packed. And not one fight broke out. Not one.
Not one confrontation between fellow marchers or with the police (thank
the gods). In a city whose inhabitants are known for flipping their
shit on slow tourists, there was a surprising amount of patience for the
molasses-pace of the march and an overwhelming amount of acc<span class="text_exposed_show">eptance of each other as allies in this fight. I never thought I'd see something so beautiful come out of this nightmare. </span><br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUgQseu1njKZAgRl3VSwQn3mEe9DvVc0yyM84FNducUhS3dLKTJEeLnrnDsUe0S3YfiZRGRmL8RhcgtlHpsmo2vHeMuj55CHyY9ofZ9tmzZGMQ_XLa5vUibhZEpLRGarsXLQm6kl989kE/s1600/March+4+-+Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUgQseu1njKZAgRl3VSwQn3mEe9DvVc0yyM84FNducUhS3dLKTJEeLnrnDsUe0S3YfiZRGRmL8RhcgtlHpsmo2vHeMuj55CHyY9ofZ9tmzZGMQ_XLa5vUibhZEpLRGarsXLQm6kl989kE/s1600/March+4+-+Copy.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
One of my best friends, Althea,
aptly compared it to the scene towards the end of "Practical Magic"
when the women join hands and exorcise Jimmy from Gillian Owens. We identified a problem and gathered our sisters and allies around us to support us as we said "Enough is enough." We raised energy as a collective with the target of creating positive change in our country, preserving the rights we fought so hard to protect, empowering and emboldening each other in solidarity. If that's not a spell, I don't know what is. So many women woke up to their wild woman nature today because of these marches, and it's sending chills down my
spine. The Divine Feminine woke up in us today, not with a stretch and a yawn, but
with a heart-stopping roar.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbkhiETPJBaKI1YjcpTZGSj2nSit7TttxN3h0nAmjhlD7GLu7EuQn_GCbk0pS70mqBruGDvbVTJWlso4aZY0v3B9_s6vbyETWL9WMGEJxnOPn_RVQjmrwiKE9jxpjw8pJ5aSnOVLBtml4/s1600/March+3+-+Copy.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbkhiETPJBaKI1YjcpTZGSj2nSit7TttxN3h0nAmjhlD7GLu7EuQn_GCbk0pS70mqBruGDvbVTJWlso4aZY0v3B9_s6vbyETWL9WMGEJxnOPn_RVQjmrwiKE9jxpjw8pJ5aSnOVLBtml4/s1600/March+3+-+Copy.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-60207984961763696692017-01-20T13:49:00.000-05:002017-01-20T13:49:24.775-05:00To Trump, With (No) LoveDear Trump,<br />
<br />
President Obama talked recently about the
tradition of the outgoing President leaving a handwritten note for his
successor. I’m sure he wrote you some very diplomatic things, because he
is a diplomatic person with class and distinction.<br />
<br />
I, on the other hand, am not. So I’m writing you this letter instead.<br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
On this day of your inauguration, I wish to let you know a few things.
First of all, your tiny, tiny feet have some very big shoes to fill. You
are walking into this office with a 40% approval rating, the lowest in
American history. Unless you make drastic changes to the core of your
being, it is almost inevitable that that number will drop with every
passing day.<br />
<br />
You have showed this country and its inhabitants
nothing but absolute disdain from the very first day you started
running. Your campaign and your soon-to-be-presidency are drowning in
racism, sexism, misogyny, xenophobia, Islamophobia, homophobia,
transphobia, and all your other isms and phobias. Your cabinet choices
are, for lack of a better word, deplorable. None of you know how to do
your jobs—the only thing you know is money, power, bigotry, and climbing
to the top on the backs of other people.<br />
<br />
It is clear to us that
you had no intentions of actually becoming President—you just wanted the
attention. You just wanted to feed your already gigantic ego. But
unfortunately, for you and for us, you tapped into a deep-seated hatred
in this country, and it responded to you in kind. You have validated
racists, sexists, homophobes, and rapists (much like yourself),
condoning their beliefs and their behavior, refusing to denounce the
violence and bigotry being enacted in your name. The rise in hate crimes
in this country is in direct correlation to the garbage that continues
to come out of your mouth. Ultimately, you allowed a neo-Nazi group to
“Sieg Heil” you in the nation’s capital—I have yet to see you make a
statement condemning that. This silence speaks volumes.<br />
<br />
Mr.
Trump, you are not my President. You will NEVER be my President. You
will go down in history as a national mistake, as the worst error that
we have ever made as a country. Just because I know this eats at you day
in and day out, I will remind you that Hillary Clinton won the popular
vote—65,844,954 (48.2%) to 62,979,879 (46.1%). You are not the President
this country wants. You are a monster, a fascist, a totalitarian, a
child. You are ill-prepared for the office of the Presidency, and while
you may think us weak and easily destroyed, you are ill-prepared for the
amount of resistance you are about to face. Millions of us are watching
you, ready to fight—know that our numbers will swallow you whole.</div>
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-769054534568791872016-06-27T14:10:00.000-04:002016-06-27T14:28:44.630-04:005-3<div data-block="true" data-editor="6jcv9" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">[CN: abortion, misogyny, etc.] </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">5-3</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">That was the Supreme Court vote striking down the TRAP (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers) laws. (For an awesome summary of what these laws are, the Center for Reproductive Rights has a link <a href="http://www.reproductiverights.org/project/targeted-regulation-of-abortion-providers-trap" target="_blank">here</a>.)</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">5-3. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">Five justices ruled that the width of the hallway, doorway, and ventilation system has nothing to do with whether or not a woman can get appropriate, safe healthcare at an abortion clinic. Five justices ruled that requiring abortion clinics to have admitting privileges at a hospital </span></span><span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">was unnecessary</span></span><span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true"> for a procedure that is statistically safer than a colonoscopy and childbirth (and unnecessary by virtue of the fact that any patient with a life-threatening medical emergency will be admitted to a hospital, whether the clinic has admitting privileges or not). Five justices ruled that when </span></span>the American Medical Association (AMA) and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) said that these TRAP laws did nothing to protect women's health and instead actually caused a detriment to women's health because they restricted access to abortion care, they were right. (Imagine that, actual doctors knowing more about providing medical care than politicians do.)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8eo5s-0-0"><span data-text="true">But the thing is, <b>it was never about protecting women's health</b>.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-offset-key="c34dv-0-0"><span data-text="true">Women will have abortions whether they are safe or not. Whether they are done by a professional or a back-alley "doctor" or the woman herself. These politicians know this. They know. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="6jcv9" data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0">
<b><span data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0"><span data-text="true">They know that women who do not want to be pregnant will do whatever they have to do in order to no longer be pregnant.</span></span></b><b><span data-offset-key="c00g4-0-0"><span data-text="true"> They know that women who do not have access to safe, legal abortions generally end up injured or dead. </span></span></b><br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="6jcv9" data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true">For those who claim to be "pro-life," this is acceptable collateral damage, if they even choose to acknowledge it at all in any meaningful way. It's mind-boggling how easy it is for them to ignore (or even condone) the</span></span><span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true"> fully preventable deaths of actual living, breathing women</span></span>. It's almost like these TRAP laws have nothing to do with protecting women's health and everything to do with controlling women or something. </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true">A perfect example of this is when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg confronted Texas Solicitor General Scott Keller during oral arguments back in March (you can read a great recap of that <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/03/02/ruth_bader_ginsburg_asks_the_most_important_question_of_oral_arguments_in.html" target="_blank">here</a>). The Notorious RBG asked him how many women would have an undue burden placed on them in the form of living 100 miles or more from the clinic if the TRAP laws were to go into effect. He responded that about 25 percent of women would be affected by the TRAP laws--however, there was another clinic in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, just over the border from El Paso. He argued that the law did not impose an undue burden on abortion-seeking women in El Paso because they could just go across the state line. Justice Ginsburg wasted no time in ripping that argument apart--the New Mexico clinic would not face the same restrictions as the clinic in Texas, restrictions which Keller was in the middle of arguing were for the purpose of protecting women. So, Ginsburg argued, New Mexico's clinic was<i> not </i>a viable option for women seeking abortions since those clinics did not have the same standards that Texas was arguing their clinics should have in order to protect women's health--if it was truly about protecting women, then why suggest women go to a clinic with "lower" standards to prove that no undue burden would exist as a result of the TRAP laws going into effect? If the clinics in New Mexico were good enough for the women of Texas, why weren't the clinics in Texas OK exactly the way they already were?</span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true">The answer: <b>it was never about protecting women's health</b>. It was about punishing women who dared have sex without the express purpose of reproducing. It was about punishing women who dared say no to forced gestation and birth. <b>It was about making the right to an abortion as inaccessible and unaffordable as possible so that the right itself might as well not exist. </b></span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c4gpg-0-0"><span data-text="true">The Supreme Court, thankfully, saw through the hypocrisy and misogyny and hatred. By 5-3, in fact.</span></span></div>
</div>
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-90313400716889564282015-11-28T04:47:00.000-05:002015-11-28T05:01:59.503-05:00How is This Not Terrorism? The Oxy-Moron of "Pro-Life" Violence. [TW for gun violence] <br />
<br />
When I first read about <a href="http://thinkprogress.org/health/2015/11/27/3726056/colorado-planned-parenthood-shooting/" target="_blank">the shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs</a>, my stomach sank. It fucking terrifies and enrages me that women (and men) run the risk of having their lives ended by a "pro-life" gun, simply for working at, going to, or merely being in the vicinity of a Planned Parenthood clinic. It fucking enrages me that women have to fear for their lives because some people believe that, somehow, shooting and killing women is better than allowing women to have freedom of choice when it comes to their own reproductive organs.<br />
<br />
As I read further, I became even more enraged. I read how the police asked people not to make assumptions about the shooter's motives, <b>even though the only place he attacked was the Planned Parenthood clinic</b>. I read how there was a five-hour standoff while three bodies lay lifeless somewhere in the vicinity of the AK-47 he used to take their lives. I read how the attack was labeled as a "shootout" and a "standoff," as if this were a spaghetti Western and not a real life-or-death situation.<br />
<br />
<b>What I didn't read was the word "terrorism" anywhere in the news coverage</b>, even though this was clearly a situation in which someone was using deadly force and grievous bodily harm, and the threat of such, in order to scare people into not using their legal right to reproductive health care. What I didn't read was how the police shot the gunman on sight, even though he, <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/us/2015/11/28/active-shooter-situation-reported-near-colorado-springs-planned-parenthood/" target="_blank">as noted in this article</a>, "previously had
been firing at police who entered the facility." What I didn't read was an instant condemnation of the inherent violence of white men, because the person who committed this act of terrorism (referred to in the media as a "shooting") was, indeed, a white man.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason for this is because he committed an act of violence against women. The majority of patients of Planned Parenthood are women, and it's not a coincidence that Planned Parenthood clinics are the target of this much violence. The people who are arguing that Planned Parenthood should be defunded/shut down/what-have-you are arguing so not because they want to "save babies," <b>but because they want to punish women for having sex that they deem unacceptable</b>. The only proof you need of that is any argument featuring a "pro-lifer." <b>Read far enough down the thread, and you'll find the truth--"save the babies" almost instantaneously becomes a self-righteous "if you don't want to get pregnant, keep your legs closed" the second they find themselves backed into a corner. </b>They want to punish women for having sex of which they don't approve,
namely sex purely for the purposes of recreation rather than
procreation, and we're pretty much OK with that. <br />
<br />
The other reason this act of terrorism will not be labeled as such is because the person who committed the act is a white man. If this person had been a black man, he would have been dead the moment he opened fire on the clinic (especially on the police) and the media would be condemning the inherent violence of black men before his body had even had the chance to go cold. If this person had been of Middle-Eastern descent, this act of terrorism would have been called such and then, of course, the conversation would go back to how we can't accept Syrian refugees in this country because LOOK AT ALL THE TERRORISTS. But because this person was a white man, we will instantly give him the benefit of the doubt. We will give him the benefit of a five-hour standoff, even though he's already killed three people and fired his gun at police. We will refuse to label this shooting as an act of terrorism, because terrorism is a word we reserve for acts of violence committed by those who "appear" Muslim, whether or not they actually are. We will blame the mental health system, we will call him a "lone wolf." We will do anything and everything BUT call him what he is--a motherfucking <b><u>terrorist</u></b>. And all because he is a white man who committed an act of violence against women.<br />
<br />
White men are committing act after act of horrific mass violence, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Isla_Vista_killings" target="_blank">over</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleston_church_shooting" target="_blank">over</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Aurora_shooting" target="_blank">over</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_Lafayette_shooting" target="_blank">over</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_Tucson_shooting" target="_blank">over</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandy_Hook_Elementary_School_shooting" target="_blank">over</a> and nobody seems to care enough to do anything about it, or even to call it what it is. For the "pro-life" man who pulled the trigger, I'm sure he felt that what he did was simply an act of
retaliation, a way to punish the women who didn't listen to him when he told them what to do with their bodies. And that's really what it boils down to--<b>he, and every other man who's attacked Planned Parenthood clinics, is punishing women who dared exercise their right to
bodily autonomy, even though he expressly told them not to.</b> When we women find ourselves staring down the barrel of a gun as punishment for exercising our right to freedom of reproductive choice, we have to ask ourselves--<b>how is this not terrorism?</b>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-8387331693469862992015-11-14T12:26:00.000-05:002015-11-14T16:31:38.303-05:00Why I Cannot (and Will Not) Accept Eldership from a Transphobic Person[TW for transphobia]<br />
<br />
In the last few days, I have been made aware that there are a handful of so-called elders in the Pagan community who have said and done some really nasty, hurtful, and bigoted things towards trans* women. Some of these things include, but are not limited to, referring to Caitlyn Jenner by the wrong name and violently misgendering her by referring to her as "an old drag queen" and referring to her biologically male anatomy as alleged proof that she is not a "real" woman (implying that all trans* women are not "real" women), and refusing trans* women access to women's-only circles on the basis that trans* women are "women with penises" and that only "women-born-women" should be allowed access to that sacred space. Put simply, <b>they have gone out of their way to deny trans* women access to circle and other forms of ritual space dedicated to women because they do not believe that trans* women are "real" women, and they have gone out of their way to let trans* women know that <i>they are not welcome in the Pagan community</i>.</b><br />
<br />
There are many in the Pagan community who have had enough and are taking a stand against this bigotry and hatred. There are also many in the Pagan community who are defending their words and actions on the premise that everyone is entitled to their beliefs. They defend their words and actions <i>because</i> they are elders of the community and those words and actions, no matter how harmful, should be left alone. It seems that, by calling them out on their bigotry and hatred, we are stepping on their contributions to the community at large, and apparently it's more important to preserve their legacy than taint it by holding them accountable. <br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g">I have no other way to respond to this other than to say (and I promise this is the only time I will curse), <b>"That's fucking bullshit."</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g">When
your beliefs cause you to intentionally, violently, and virulently misgender people
and deny them their humanity and basic respect, <b>they are </b><b>not worth defending.</b> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g">What we have is multiple Pagan elders repeating the message
that trans* individuals (trans* women in
particular) aren't "really" their gender. What we have is multiple Pagan elders using old, tired rhetoric of biological anatomy as "proof" of gender authenticity (or inauthenticity), and using that "proof" as an excuse to deny trans* people access to sacred space. What we have is trans* women being told by multiple Pagan "elders" that they don't
belong in "women-only" circles because they're not "real" women. <b>That is the textbook definition of bigotry</b>.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g">Pagan elders are supposed to be a pillar of support and are supposed to help guide people along their chosen path. They are supposed to provide a safe space for individuals to explore the greater mysteries. <b>They are not supposed to pick and choose who gets access to these mysteries and who doesn't based on their gender and then <i>go out of their way</i> to make sure that those who are not of the chosen group understand that <i>they are not welcome</i>.</b> That is bullying. That is bigotry. And that is not how an elder of ANY community is supposed to act. </span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g"></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g"><b>It's
high time we started calling these elders out on their transphobia. </b>There are some who argue that calling them out and denying them support from the community will do nothing to help them learn. I disagree.<b> Losing a large chunk of their community's presence, respect, and support as a direct result of their transphobic words and actions is a great lesson. </b>It's a lesson that there are consequences to saying discriminatory, hurtful things
about members of their community because of their gender--it's a lesson that you don't get to violently misgender trans* individuals and deny them basic respect, that you don't get to deny trans* women </span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g"> access to ritual space <i>because they are trans* women</i>, and still hold a position of power. </span></span> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g">Many in the community are arguing that this is an attack on their free speech--certainly, they're free to speak as they
wish. They're even free to continue to deny trans* women access to women's-only space if they feel they must. However, they have to learn that there are consequences to their bigotry--in this case, <b>the consequence is that no one will want to follow them.</b> <b></b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody">Long story short, I
refuse to accept an "Elder" who picks and chooses who they will support
and who they will allow access to the greater mysteries of magick. Last I
checked, the deities <b>(many of whom are of one, two, or many genders) </b>love and accept all, regardless of gender. </span></span><br />
<br />
<b><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody">It's high time these "elders"
remembered that.</span></span></b><br />
<b><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody"><br /></span></span></b>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody">To quote someone who I consider an actual Pagan elder, "</span></span><a href="http://thecocowitch.com/2015/11/heres-why-youre-not-my-elder-i-hope-you-understand/" target="_blank">I don’t want to go where my kin can’t follow.</a>"IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-12267878340777788792015-06-18T13:14:00.000-04:002015-06-18T13:14:09.629-04:00A Feminist Review/Critique of “Jurassic World” (SPOILER ALERT (obviously))<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->[CN: violence]<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span> [MAJOR SPOILER ALERT THROUGHOUT]<br />
<br />
I went to see <i>Jurassic World</i>
with my boyfriend yesterday for my birthday, and I enjoyed the movie immensely,
or at least all the action sequences with the dinosaurs (which is really the main
focus of the movie if you’re watching it right). However, while it did make a valiant effort, <i>Jurassic World</i> was nowhere near perfect when it came to how they used the female characters throughout the film.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>I want to start off by listing
what I did like. I was happy to see four main female characters in the movie (Claire,
the mom of the two boys (Claire's sister), the woman in the control room, and Claire’s assistant). In a
movie franchise that has historically had only one token female character, that
was pretty cool. I was also happy to see a woman FINALLY be a fucking bad-ass
heroine in a <i>Jurassic Park</i> movie instead of just a screaming damsel in
distress. Seriously, when Claire released the T-Rex to go fight the Indominus Rex?
I could barely stay in my seat. The last thing I liked, and this is going to
sound weird, is that they finally had the ovaries to kill off a female
character (Claire’s assistant). This was the first movie where they included a
woman in the dinosaur kill count, and I thought that was pretty
awesome. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>That’s pretty much where my
pom-pom pumping ends. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
The female characters <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just barely</i>
pass the Bechdel test—there are only two scenes where two women talk to each
other, one of which is Claire and her assistant talking about the two boys she’s
supposed to be watching, and the other is Claire and her sister also talking
about the two boys, so technically they’re still talking about men. The woman in the control room never speaks to another woman, and you never
see two female characters talking to each other about anything particularly relevant or
important, which really disappointed me because 1) there could have been some
great scenes between the woman in the control room and Claire, and 2) women do
actually talk about things other than men and kids and, somehow, <i>Jurassic
World</i>, which proposes a scenario where dinosaurs are literally <b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">attacking and eating people</i></b>, managed to
keep the women in the movie talking to each other about just those two things.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>The next thing that really
bugged me was how they portrayed Claire’s character. Anyone who’s watched any
TV shows or movies (or even read any mainstream books) that depict career-oriented women know that these “career-driven”
women are portrayed as selfish and cold-hearted (and I’m putting this mildly),
and it’s either heavily implied or outright stated that they are the way they
are because they don’t have and/or want a (specifically male) partner and/or kids. In other words,
their lack of desire for a man in their life and/or lack of maternal instinct and
desire for kids is what makes them bad people. This movie was no different. For
example, Claire is portrayed as being so entrenched in her work that she doesn’t
know how old her nephews are (which is brought up at least twice as a “seriously,
you’re a woman and you don’t know how old your nephews are?” moment). When she
meets up with the hero, it’s almost instantaneously brought up that they dated
at one point and that she was the reason they stopped dating (of course) because
of her “overly controlling nature,” <b>even though Owen (the hero) is equally
controlling, if not more so</b>, when it comes to the dinosaurs and how to interact with them, yet nobody bats an
eyelash at that, <b>nor does anyone bring up the hypocrisy of Owen criticizing Claire for being so controlling when he's absolutely no better</b>. At another point in the movie, when Claire is talking to her
sister on the phone and it’s revealed that she’s decided to work instead of
hang out with her nephews, having hoisted them onto her assistant, her sister
says that she’ll understand when she has kids. Claire responds with an emphatic
“if,” to which the sister replies with an even more emphatic “when.” By the end
of the movie, after the chaos has finally been quelled, we find her staring
longingly at a mother reuniting with her daughter before she walks off into the
sunset with the hunky hero, further perpetuating the stereotype that women who
don’t want a (male) partner or kids will always change their minds eventually. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>OK, so there’s nothing wrong
with portraying a woman with a career as selfish and cold-hearted, per se.
There are plenty of women out there who are exactly that way. However, <b>when it’s
the ONLY DEPICTION of career-driven women we get in the mass media, that’s a huge
problem</b>. It’s also a problem when it’s only women who get this treatment.
As I mentioned in the last paragraph, Owen the Hero's controlling nature when it comes to the velociraptors is accepted without question, and Vincent D’Onofrio’s character, Hoskins, was equally obsessed with his work, but
the movie doesn’t ever question him, either (apart from wondering how good an idea it is to create
an army of trained velociraptors). Nobody asks either male character if he knows how old his
nephews are, nobody tells them “You’ll understand when you have kids,” and the
film never asks them to reconcile their work lives with their personal lives (or give
up the former for the latter). It really wouldn’t have been that hard to
portray Claire as having changed her mind about her relationship with her
nephews without implying that she suddenly wanted to be with the hero and have kids
of her own. It also wouldn’t have been that hard to portray Claire as having
realized that she can be a workaholic but still want to be around her family,
even if that family didn’t pop out from her own body. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Overall, I enjoyed the movie.
The action sequences were intense and there were amazing twists, and there were
some pretty bad-ass feminist moments, but I think that the movie could have done
more to upend the common stereotypes that are tacked onto women in the media—if
they can create a world where dinosaurs exist, they can also create a world
where women can have a career and no partner or kids and not be total assholes.</div>
<br />
IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-25458763923776271462014-05-29T04:57:00.001-04:002014-05-29T16:14:22.901-04:00Not All Men? Shut the Fuck Up.<b>[TW for misogyny, gun violence, rape culture, rape apologia, victim-blaming, slut-shaming, suicide]</b><br />
<br />
I've been feeling many things since the UCSB attack this past week--sadness and hopelessness definitely come to mind. However, today I'm angry. I'm angry because, instead of talking about the ways that violent misogyny is killing women and what we can do to stop it, we're fighting yet another onslaught of men who are desperate for attention.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu9aL0XyzP60X111t8e9Pq77o0UfZ_FYtOe2TWQ22S621kWW5BJ2A0Nw2_osSm7y0XDBo1_KrKFWSGxHhcBBT8Xjmgo0dw0BzUYM-8HjjlTVbXBq2LHrj6gr-J7YiSV-6ALo_ETmnsQlw/s1600/RDJ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu9aL0XyzP60X111t8e9Pq77o0UfZ_FYtOe2TWQ22S621kWW5BJ2A0Nw2_osSm7y0XDBo1_KrKFWSGxHhcBBT8Xjmgo0dw0BzUYM-8HjjlTVbXBq2LHrj6gr-J7YiSV-6ALo_ETmnsQlw/s1600/RDJ.jpg" height="320" width="281" /></a></div>
"NOT ALL MEN!" they cry. Except we know what they really mean. What they really mean to say is "NOT ME!"<br />
<br />
I'm sure most of the people reading my blog know this, but 1 in 6 women will be raped or otherwise sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Many believe that this statistic is highly under-representative of the actual number. As I mentioned <a href="http://wtfwhatthefeminist.blogspot.com/2013/05/schrodingers-rapist-and-what-he-has-to.html" target="_blank">in a previous post</a>, every rapist commits an average of ten rapes, so the logical conclusion is that 1 out of 60 men is a rapist. There are 7 billion people on the planet, give or take, at the moment--assuming that the population is about 50/50 among men and women, out of 3.5 million men, <b>about 58,333 men in this world are rapists. They will rape an average of 10 women each--that's 583,330 rape victims. And that's a modest estimate. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
What the men of this world forget is that women are taught all our lives that we are sexual objects and potential victims. We are a commodity to be bought and sold, and if we are ever the victim of an attack, <i>including murder</i>, we must have done something to cause the attack. <b>According to RAINN, <a href="http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/frequency-of-sexual-assault" target="_blank">there are 237,868 </a></b><b><a href="http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/frequency-of-sexual-assault" target="_blank">rapes each year in the United States</a>. Hundreds of thousands of women will be attacked this year, and it will almost always be blamed on the victims. Almost no one will think to blame the rapists. </b>There are articles and blogs and comments ALL OVER THE INTERNET blaming the women that Elliot Rodger mentions in his manifesto for the murders that occurred at UCSB, arguing that they should have put out so that this wouldn't have happened.<br />
<br />
At this point in time, we need men to stand up with us and fight violent misogyny. We need men to combat the patriarchal culture that bred the Elliot Rodgers of the world, that made it OK for men to <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/08/05/pennsylvania.gym.shooting/" target="_blank">kill women</a> (or <a href="http://gawker.com/5954977/slut-shamed-staten-island-teen-tweets-i-give-up-before-jumping-in-front-of-subway-train" target="_blank">drive them to suicide</a>) when they don't give them what they want (and sometimes <a href="http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/alyssa-funke-casting-couch-porn-suicide/" target="_blank">even when they do</a>).<br />
<br />
But instead, they're choosing, yet again, to make the conversation all about men.<br />
<br />
Before you start screaming NOT ALL MEN, take some time to think about why you're assuming that the women who are speaking think all men are misogynists, rapists, and murderers.<br />
<br />
Read the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter. Really digest their stories. Realize that there are thousands upon thousands of stories. Realize that <b>EVERY SINGLE WOMAN YOU KNOW </b>has dealt with harassment, assault, or rape in one way or another at some point in her life. Read through MRA websites that promote the assault, rape, and murder of women. Read the news stories detailing murder after murder, rape after rape, and then go read the misogynist comments applauding the murderers and rapists.<br />
<br />
Then think about why women might think that way.<br />
<br />
<b>Then think about how you're contributing to that.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Realize that, instead of using your privilege and your voice to speak up for women, </b><b>you're choosing to use it to make the conversation about you. </b>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-65268341955535154142013-11-21T03:44:00.000-05:002013-11-21T04:27:47.437-05:00Food Shaming and Why This Shit Needs to Stop[TW for disordered eating, food shaming]<br />
<br />
For those of you who don't know what food shaming is, my definition is it's when someone judges you for the food you are eating and comments on it in an attempt to make you feel ashamed of your choices. When faced with the subject of food, a lot of people do something we feminists call "concern trolling," which is when you shame someone for something under the guise of actual, genuine concern for their well-being. This happens with food all. The. Time. People decide that it's OK to tell others (particularly women) what not to eat because it will make them unhealthy, when what they're really trying to say is that they shouldn't eat that because it might (GASP!) make them fat (which, if you know anything about anything, fat =/= unhealthy). Bottom line, what someone eats, how much they eat, when they eat it, how often, etc., is nobody's fucking business except the person whose mouth the food is going into.<br />
<br />
Food shaming ties directly into the dieting industry, which targets women specifically and <b>relies on women feeling bad about themselves, their bodies, and their food choices in order to survive</b>; it's more than obvious from the advertisements that we see on a regular basis. For example, there is the recent pushing of the Special K Challenge that challenges women to replace two meals a day with Special K products, asks women to think about what they will gain when they lose (weight, obviously), and whose <i>incredibly</i> problematic and dangerously unhealthy nature Jezebel covered in <a href="http://jezebel.com/5729628/the-problem-with-the-special-k-challenge" target="_blank">a fantastic article</a>. There is the onslaught of ads for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, etc., that actively shame women both for their food choices and for (possibly) being fat. There are phone apps that encourage people to count calories and essentially take stock of everything they eat, <a href="http://www.prevention.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-tips/different-food-obsessions-and-treatment/5-you-count-every-last-calorie" target="_blank">which is a documented symptom of certain eating disorders</a>. This is not to say that all people who count calories have an eating disorder, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_THT50_0dyM&feature=player_embedded" target="_blank">but promoting counting calories as an everyday activity can very easily lead people to develop one</a>, especially when you consider the continuous assault of messages that are telling us to <b>stay thin, no matter what the cost.</b><br />
<br />
This is an issue that is particularly upsetting for me because <b>I have dealt with disordered eating as a direct result of food shaming</b>. (This is actually the first time I'm talking about this so candidly.) <br />
<br />
When I was a kid, I absorbed the messages that the media was telling me. I was supposed to be small, delicate, proper. I was supposed to count calories and watch my weight, lest I take up too much space. If I had the choice between a steak and a salad, I was always to choose the salad, no matter how much I wanted the steak. Despite the fact that the average human being needs to consume 2000 calories to survive, calories were the enemy and the goal was to consume as few of them as possible. This was "for my own good" and "for my health." I also absorbed the indirect messages that my mother was sending me through her constant dieting and self-shaming. I listened to my dad tell me stories of when she used to diet until she was nearly a skeleton. I watched her weight fluctuate between the holidays and the summertime. I watched her mentally punish herself for eating things she liked. I watched her deny herself foods that I knew she loved and sacrifice simple treats all for the sake of a thinner figure. Right this very moment, she is on yet another diet and she's already talking about her weight loss plan for when she puts on a few "extra" pounds during the holiday season. I want to be clear: <b>I don't blame her for doing these things</b>, because this is the result of those same media messages as well as the messages she learned from <i>her </i>mother, who likely learned those messages from the same places.<br />
<br />
As a result of these messages, I learned that eating was not something you did to survive. It was not a necessity to continue living. <b>Eating was something you succumbed to when you were at your weakest. </b>As a result of these messages, I developed a fear of eating in front of other people because I was afraid of what they might think of me. I don't know that what I had was an eating disorder, but it was definitely disordered eating (if that makes sense). To put this in perspective, right now I weigh 125 pounds, give or take.<b> </b>In high school, at the same height, <b>I weighed only 98 pounds because I was so afraid of people thinking I was a slob for eating that I simply stopped eating in public and restricted my food in private.</b> I skipped lunch nearly every day and ate very minimally at home. It took me many years to become comfortable with just the idea of eating to survive, and many years after that before I became comfortable with the idea of eating what I wanted without judging myself or caring what other people thought.<br />
<br />
Then, just tonight, at a point in my life where I'm finally comfortable with my body (and its arbitrary, socially constructed "flaws") and no longer shame myself simply for eating or for having a snack when I feel like it--where a simple bag of potato chips no longer sends me into a spiral of guilt and panic--my dad made a comment about a snack that I decided I wanted, and for a split second I went right back to that "I must never eat again" mindset.<br />
<br />
It's awful. And it's exactly why this shit needs to stop. Because my story is not the only story out there.<br />
<br />
<b>Not even close.</b>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-18516921519447413512013-05-04T23:33:00.001-04:002013-05-05T04:56:36.398-04:00Schrödinger's Rapist and What He Has to do With That Guy at the Bar Hitting on Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiadgu2OzQsiNUweKbYirOODOu-sOi5weqdc2lDcTzwNv9n7DZFDxmdGtLJDenbyHUv-aqAiCNqIV4880DDiyxrlWnXY5k-q93NtL_lzjx1InujF5ECxvnzO-mPD6iqJkEwqRCoEUU3lsE/s1600/577463_514180138618349_2106611365_n.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiadgu2OzQsiNUweKbYirOODOu-sOi5weqdc2lDcTzwNv9n7DZFDxmdGtLJDenbyHUv-aqAiCNqIV4880DDiyxrlWnXY5k-q93NtL_lzjx1InujF5ECxvnzO-mPD6iqJkEwqRCoEUU3lsE/s320/577463_514180138618349_2106611365_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><b>[TW: rape, rape culture, misogyny, sexual violence, denial of autonomy, privileged bullshit]</b> </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]">I posted the above graphic on Facebook a few days ago. Social networks being what they are, I wound up receiving comments from an ex-boyfriend that went a little something like this (my ex was responding to a comment from my aunt stating "</span></span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270413}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270413}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270413}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">Sadly, what they're respecting is the other man's PROPERTY!")</span></span></span>: <br /><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">"<i>I've
said I have a girlfriend before, am I her property? Cause I thought it
was a polite way of saying, "Nothing personal, maybe some signals were
misread. I actually am in a happy relationship and not looking
elsewhere."...but that's just me.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><i><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><i>It's
true that traditionally men make the advances, but my point is most
will accept a "no" when they see one and it doesn't have to be a matter
of possession.</i>"</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span style="color: blue;"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270693}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span style="color: blue;"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47273152}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]">This is a perfect example of male privilege: being able to reject an unwanted advance (or perhaps even multiple unwanted advances) without any kind of negative backlash or retaliatory </span></span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]">action taken against him, and then being able to proclaim widely that "most men will accept a no when they see one" (read: a "no" by itself, without any sort of buffers such as "I have a boyfriend/husband" involved) when that is simply not the case. </span></span></span></span>I'm glad that he has never had to go through the truly terrifying
experience of someone refusing to take no for an answer in the context of an unwanted romantic and/or sexual advance, <b>but the fact of
the matter is that I, and most women on this planet, have</b>. <br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[1]">There's
a very big difference between a man saying he has a girlfriend and a
woman saying she has a boyfriend in order to get out of a situation
where there's an interested party and the other person is not
interested. There is a power dynamic </span></span><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3]"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0"><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[0]">involved
where women, unfortunately, have the shit end of the stick. If we say
"no" by itself, we're labeled frigid bitches, and there have been many
cases when women have been attacked (verbally and/or physically) for
doing so. We say "no, because I have a boyfriend" because many men only
respect other men, not women's autonomy and our right to say no to
unwanted advances, <b>and because we know we are less likely to be attacked
if we use the excuse that there's a man in our lives</b> (the implication,
of course, being that the man in our lives will defend us physically, if
necessary). </span><span id=".reactRoot[9].[1][4][1]{comment4996707080220_47270808}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[3]">We also don't know which men will respond nicely and which men will
respond with violence to a simple "No thank you, I'm not interested."</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
This is where the concept of Schrödinger's Rapist comes into play (which you can read more about in <a href="http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/" target="_blank">this blog post on Shapely Prose</a>). The fact of the matter is, women have been consciously and subconsciously trained through our social interactions with others, the way we are portrayed in the media, etc., <b>to categorize any unwanted advances as potentially dangerous</b>. We <i>have</i> to be afraid for our safety because the truth is that <b>we don't know which men will not accept a no when they see one</b>. Statistics state that 1 out of 6 women will be raped in her lifetime (and that's only including the ones that are reported: so many more aren't). I found out in the aforementioned blog post that when looking specifically at rapes where the man is the perpetrator and the woman is the victim (which accounts for most rapes), if you take into account that every rapist commits an average of ten rapes, that means that at least one out of every sixty men is a rapist. To put this into perspective, I graduated from Curtis High School in a class of about 700 people (give or take). Assuming the class was 50/50 men and women, that means there were about 350 men in my graduating class. Statistically speaking, 6 of them were rapists. <b>And I have no way of knowing which ones they were. </b><br />
<br />
<b><b>Over the course of their lives, between the six of them, they will rape at least sixty women. </b></b><br />
<br />
These statistics are fucking scary by themselves. Combine that with the fact that women are told that we shouldn't have the right to say no, that a no can eventually turn into a yes if the guy tries hard enough, that a no is just a woman playing "hard to get" and she really means yes, etc., it becomes fucking terrifying. My ex may not believe this is true, but there <i>is</i> an element of possession in all of those examples, a belief that women "belong" to men and don't get the option of just saying "no thank you" and leaving the scene without a struggle. This is evidenced by the high number of rapes in this country - <b>clearly a woman's no isn't really taken seriously</b>.<br />
<br />
When women are approached on the street by a male stranger, there's a 1.67% chance that he will be a rapist. <b>We have no way of knowing whether or not he is that 1.67%. We have no way of knowing whether or not tonight will be the night we become one of the 1 out of 6 women who will be raped in her lifetime. </b><br />
<br />
There's a reason women instinctively use the "I have a boyfriend/husband" excuse.IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-43788091949395337362013-01-22T11:00:00.000-05:002013-01-22T11:00:04.391-05:00Blog for Choice Day - Why I'm Pro-Choice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigfwXwnbeExMf8aeSFDDtOWoyaM7jfzIC3t8mBppOS4p11JpNxcObtufXuw7bopXmx1ci9KytMZjel5UxnZVWpzqY0-N9xf4f8MLzGwPvto-x2QPF0v5hwqrrOUQmsE9684BudZwa4qsk/s1600/Blog+for+Choice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigfwXwnbeExMf8aeSFDDtOWoyaM7jfzIC3t8mBppOS4p11JpNxcObtufXuw7bopXmx1ci9KytMZjel5UxnZVWpzqY0-N9xf4f8MLzGwPvto-x2QPF0v5hwqrrOUQmsE9684BudZwa4qsk/s1600/Blog+for+Choice.jpg" /></a></div>
From the time I was 18 years old until I was 20, I was in a relationship with someone, and if I were to say that they were not a nice person, it would be the understatement of the decade. He was very controlling and was constantly belittling me and condescending to me. I wasn't allowed to be myself when I was around him; he didn't like my extroverted personality, and he made it known in no uncertain terms when I had displeased him by daring to be happy in his presence by giving me the cold shoulder and telling me that I embarrassed him. Eventually, he didn't have to worry about it, because he effectively killed my happiness. He would sulk and call me horrible names when he didn't get his way, and once he cheated off of my homework (without my knowledge) and put both of us at risk of not only failing the class, but of getting kicked out of the academic program to which we belonged. When I confronted him about it, he got angry at <i>me </i>for getting angry at <i>him</i>. Nothing was ever his fault, and he never took responsibility for anything. The real kicker was the time that, after I gave him a surprise hug, he grabbed me by my wrist, refused to let go, and told me that he was a black belt and that he was trained to react, therefore, if he ever hit me, it was my own fault. Thankfully, the violence never escalated past that, even though I stayed with him for another six months after the incident, but it very easily could have.<br />
<br />
I chose to be in a sexual relationship with this person, and if it weren't for my birth control pills, I might have gotten pregnant by him. There were a couple of times where I thought that I might have, and each time I knew immediately that I would have an abortion. I knew from a very early age that I never wanted children, and I also knew that having his child would tie me to him forever. Despite his attempts to control everything I thought, said, and did, being tied to him forever was not an option for me, and while his controlling, abusive behavior killed everything else in me, it thankfully did not kill my belief that I had the right to make a choice. This is one of the many reasons why I am pro-choice--because there are so many other women who are in similar (and worse) situations. For many women, the right to a safe, legal abortion is their only saving grace in an abusive relationship, whether the abuse is physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, etc. Leaving an abusive situation is difficult enough--add a child/children into the mix, and it becomes nearly impossible. <br />
<br />
Somewhere along the line, the term "pro-choice" came to mean "pro-abortion," and apparently any person who is pro-choice wants all pregnant women to terminate their pregnancies regardless of whether or not they want to. These accusations come from the anti-choice crowd, which is comprised of the Republicans, the "Religious Right," etc., who want all pregnant women to <i>continue</i> their pregnancies regardless of whether or not they want to...sound familiar? Apparently, it's perfectly ok to control women's bodies as long as your agenda falls into the right category. Unfortunately for the anti-choice crowd, pro-choice does NOT mean we want all pregnant women to indiscriminately terminate their pregnancies--it means <b>we want all pregnant women to have a choice in the matter, whether she chooses to have an abortion or continue the pregnancy and parent the child or put hir up for adoption. </b>Whether a woman is in an abusive relationship, she was raped, she had a casual encounter, or she's in a relationship, whether a woman had a consensual encounter and used some form of contraception and had an "oops" or didn't use contraception at all, <b>she has the right to say no or yes to a pregnancy. </b>It is <b><i>her choice</i></b>, and nobody else's. <br />
<br />
If a woman chooses not to continue the pregnancy, for whatever reason, she should have the right to access a <b>safe, legal, affordable </b>abortion. If a woman chooses to continue the pregnancy, she should have the right to a <b>safe and healthy pregnancy and birthing experience</b>, whether it's in a hospital or at home. If she chooses to place the child up for adoption, she should have the right to <b>ensure that the child goes to a loving, healthy family, free from abuse and neglect</b>. If she chooses to parent, she should have the right to <b>financial assistance should she need it, as well as parenting classes, support groups, etc</b>. The fact of the matter is that pregnant women, whether they choose to terminate a pregnancy or continue it, have very little agency when it comes to their reproductive health, and <b>this has to change.</b> IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-3356281666716303622012-11-29T18:22:00.001-05:002012-11-29T18:49:14.370-05:00I'll Wear my Hair However I Please: Why Rape Prevention Tips Don't Work (TW for rape, rape apologia, rape culture, victim-blaming, slut-shaming) <br />
<br />
I just finished reading this link (which also carries the same TW as this post and which I highly recommend you read, as well, but the Reader's Digest version is "Here's yet another tutorial on how not to get yourself raped"): <a href="http://itssofluffy-im-gonna-die.tumblr.com/post/12389331146/through-a-rapists-eyes-pls-take-time-to-read" target="_blank">Through a Rapist's Eyes</a>.<br />
<br />
I've actually seen this before on various other sites and in various incarnations, but every time I see it, it makes me RAGE. I get it, I really do; the authors of these posts think that they're doing us wimminz a favor by showing us how not to get raped, but the reality of the situation is that <b>NOTHING WE DO AS WOMEN WILL PREVENT RAPE. </b>The clothes we wear, whether or not we take the elevator or the stairs, how much we drink, what time of day we decide to venture outside, will not prevent us from being raped. The fact that we still have to remind people of this is truly sad: <b>the only people who can prevent rape are rapists and those who would be rapists, and all that these "rape-prevention" tactics accomplish is the perpetuation of the belief that the safest place for women is in the home. </b><br /><br />
You didn't actually think the public/private sphere dichotomy disappeared, did you? The only difference is that there's a more obvious threat inherent in the rhetoric: "If you as a woman don't do as you're told, something bad's going to happen to you. Something very bad. <b>And nobody will believe you when it does</b>." These articles rest on the presumption that every woman who is ever raped in her life will only be raped by a stranger while walking down a dark street at night (which we shouldn't have been doing in the first place, natch); they completely ignore the fact that <b>more than half of all rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. </b><br />
<br />
The whole point of this article is apparently to explain to women what we can do to avoid getting ourselves raped, and it appears that their goal is to educate women on these varying tactics. What <i>I </i>learned from this post are the following things:<br />
<br />
1) Don't wear your hair in a ponytail or a bun...in fact, don't grow your hair out at all. Just shave your fucking head.<br />
<br />
2) Despite the fact that <b>many of these rapists apparently carry scissors to cut clothing</b>, please make sure you don't wear clothing that will provide a rapist with easy access. <b>This rule is arbitrary and the police officer who takes your report will get to decide if your clothing was too "slutty"</b>...I'm sorry, I mean if it gave the rapist easier access to your body. <br />
<br />
3) Never multi-task while walking. Also, since the top places for a rapist to attack you are <span class="textexposedshow"><span class="textexposedshow">grocery store parking lots, </span><span class="textexposedshow">office parking lots/garages, and </span><span class="textexposedshow">public restrooms, never go grocery shopping, never go to work, and never use a public restroom. <b>As a matter of fact, just stay home. </b></span></span><br />
<br />
4) If a man is attempting to rape me, I must ALWAYS put up a fight. This is because <b>there is absolutely no chance that he has any sort of weapon on him, such as a knife, gun, etc. that he can use to injure me or kill me should I resist. There is also absolutely no chance that I was drugged and physically can't fight. </b>If I don't fight off my attacker, then I was clearly making myself an easy target, or perhaps I wasn't really raped.<br />
<ul>
<li><span class="textexposedshow"><span class="textexposedshow">Should my attacker have a gun (despite the fact that this is clearly improbable) and (this one is a direct quote from the article) </span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span class="textexposedshow">"you are not under his control, ALWAYS</span><span class="textexposedshow"> RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. </span><span class="textexposedshow">And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!" This is perfectly reasonable because <b>there is absolutely no chance that the person attacking you will run after you and rape you and/or kill you the instant he catches you. </b>Also, in the 0.04% chance that your attacker does succeed in shooting you and he doesn't hit a vital organ, <b>there
is absolutely no chance that you will be completely debilitated by the
injury, giving your attacker ample opportunity to finish the job.</b></span></span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
</ul>
The commonality that I notice in all of these "tips" is that each one <b>acts as a restriction of what a woman can and cannot do, should and should not do, in a public space, if she should even be in that public space to begin with. </b>None of these tips act as a restriction of what rapists can and cannot do, should and should not do, in a public space...such as <b>not sexually assaulting women.</b> The problem here is that the onus is put on the victim to prevent her attack, not on the rapist not to rape. Women, by very virtue of rape culture, are forced to limit our activities and our comings and goings so that gods forbid we are ever attacked, <b>we will be more believable</b>. These articles about preventing rape do nothing to ameliorate this, especially since the police officers, lawyers, judges, jurors, etc. who hear our case <b>will more likely than not ask us in one way or another if we followed these tips, and if not, why didn't we </b>(<b>with an added tinge of suspicion of our innocence, of course)?</b> <br />
<ul>
</ul>
Now granted, the kicking out the back lights trick is pretty good to know for if I'm ever put in the trunk of a car, but articles like these that give advice about how to prevent getting yourself raped do nothing more than perpetuate a misogynist, rape-apologist culture that says that a woman shouldn't be allowed to go out at night and drink and dress sexy and have a good time, etc., and that if she does so, <b>she made herself an easy target</b> <b>and she deserved what she got</b>. These articles, while oftentimes written and shared with the best of intentions, do nothing more than perpetuate the belief that if a woman does everything on the list exactly as stated, <b>she will not be raped</b>; if she <i>does </i>get raped, then she didn't do a good enough job. <br />
<span class="textexposedshow"><span class="textexposedshow"><br />Bottom line: These "rape prevention tips" prevent nothing<b> - all they do is promote the belief that it's always the victim's fault. </b></span></span>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-42923612594940414732012-08-12T15:52:00.000-04:002012-08-12T15:52:02.959-04:00If You're Not Pro-Choice, You're Not a Feminist, aka What Pro-Choice Actually Means[TW forced pregnancy, denial of bodily and sexual autonomy, death, abuse, descriptions of violence, abortion, rape, incest] <br />
<br />
I'll repeat myself. If you're not pro-choice, <b>you're not a feminist</b>. True story. <br /><br /><b>Pro-choice does NOT mean pro-abortion. </b><br />
<br />
Pro-choice means pro-making contraception (that, <b>NO, you are NOT paying for</b>, you ignorant asshole) cheaper and easier to obtain, so that <b>abortion isn't fucking necessary in the first place</b>. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Of course, it's easy to understand how contraception can be considered
evil in a society that teaches us that we're not "real women" unless we
become mothers. The real evil comes in the form of people who, rather
than allowing us freedom of choice, rather than trusting us to make our
own decisions about our bodies and our lives, rather than admitting that
just because we have uteri doesn't mean that we all want and/or have to
become mothers, would rather <b>force us into motherhood, regardless of whether or not we want to be there,</b> <b>because they feel that's where we belong. </b>It's all about controlling women's bodies and lives; if that weren't true, then they wouldn't be fighting to make trans-vaginal ultrasounds a necessity in order for women to have abortions; they wouldn't force waiting periods on us so that we can go home and think about what we're doing, nor would they force us to look at the ultrasound images so that we'll have some glorious revelation about what we're doing (believe me, <b>women seeking an abortion know what pregnancy means: it's why they want an abortion</b>, and 72 hours isn't going to change that); CPCs (Crisis Pregnancy Centers), whose sole purpose is to lie to us and try and emotionally blackmail us and shame us into keeping a pregnancy that we don't want to keep, wouldn't exist. <br /><br />It means pro-not forcing women to carry a pregnancy to term that she does not want to carry to term, whether that pregnancy came from consensual sex or from rape or incest. If she wants to carry to term, that is <b>HER CHOICE</b>, and nobody is going to force her to abort the pregnancy if she does decide to carry to term. HOWEVER, if she <b>DOES NOT WANT to continue the pregnancy</b>, she should have the choice to <b>end the pregnancy on her own terms</b>, because let's face it, if she's seeking an abortion, <b>she likely didn't get pregnant on her own terms</b>. Forcing a woman to carry a pregnancy for 40 weeks and endure childbirth is not teaching her the lesson you think it's teaching her; it's not going to teach her to keep her slutty fucking legs closed. It is, however, going to teach her that, the next time she's raped by her abusive partner and is forcibly impregnated in the process, the next time her birth control that her doctor swore up and down would protect her fails, the next time the condom breaks and the pharmacist refuses to give her Plan B and she can't afford the bus trip to the pharmacy in the next town over, <b>the safest place for her to go is a back-alley abortion clinic, the internet black market, or a closet. </b><br />
<br />
On that note, pro-choice also means pro-<b>not forcing women to attempt to self-abort and kill themselves in the process</b>, and instead giving them legal and medically safe options so that they don't <b>DIE</b>. Abortions are going to happen whether or not you approve of them, and
whether or not you allow them to remain legal. Making abortion illegal
does not save children; <b>it kills women</b>. Listen up, you alleged pro-lifers! <b>WOMEN ARE ALIVE. </b>We are not just uteri on legs, human incubators, or however else you choose to de-humanize us. We are alive. And when you force us into the back-alleys for unlicensed medical practitioners to butcher, when you force us to <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/22/catherine-furey-dies-vinegar-home-abortion_n_1536291.html" target="_blank">drink industrial strength vinegar out of desperation,</a> when you force us to use the wire hanger that once held up our prom dress in a frantic attempt to self-abort, causing us to pull out our own intestines, puncture our wombs, give ourselves sepsis, cause us to bleed out, and end our own lives, <b>you are not saving babies; YOU ARE KILLING US. </b><br />
<br />
So I say again, if you are not pro-choice, if you are not willing to treat women like adults, and instead want to treat us like children who need to be told what to do because we can't possibly know what pregnancy means or what abortion is; if you are not willing to give us the benefit of the doubt and trust us to make the best decisions we can for our bodies and our lives; if you would rather <b>watch us die</b> than watch us exercise our right to prevent a pregnancy and end it if our efforts fail, then <b>you are not a feminist. </b>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-30676354404375922892012-07-23T23:38:00.000-04:002012-07-23T23:39:50.094-04:00Guest Post: Sulay A. ThompsonHello fellow WTFers! I apologize for my lengthy absence; I'm getting ready to start on my Masters thesis and I'm working a job and an internship this summer, so things have been somewhat hectic! That being said, I am so proud to introduce an amazing, beautiful woman, someone who I am PROUD to call a friend and fellow godmother. Her name is Sulay A. Thompson, and her story is one that is going to be hard to read, but necessary. It's a story that you need to show to your best girlfriend, to your mother, to your grandmother. It's a story that you need to show to your brother when he starts making misogynist abuse jokes, to your father when he laughs at that image of the bruised woman in that Facebook post, to your uncle who thinks that punching his wife in the shoulder is "just a joke" and that she needs to learn to have a sense of humor. It's a story that you need to show to everyone you love.<br />
<br />
[TW for abuse (emotional, verbal, physical), severe violence]<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div align="center" class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="color: black; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">A Warrior, A Survivor, A
WOMAN</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="color: black; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Strength and Transformation</span></i></b></div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
It is evident that
power in itself is one of the strongest, most life-altering and moving forces
that influences the world around us as we currently know it. Power, as an
altering and influential force, takes on many different forms and shapes in our
society. While many of us are very familiar with different forms of power and
those who possess it, such as politicians, superiors in our workplace, higher
authority, and even our unique beliefs of a Higher Power and the grasp
that they have on us, very few are aware of the single most important form of
power. Nowadays, those who possess power have such a hold on us, that many
times we forget that each and every one of us, as individuals, as men and as
women, possesses an innate power that, when acknowledged, has the ability to
completely transform our reality as we perceive it. In other words, reflection
on our inner selves reminds us that, as individuals, we possess power over
ourselves. We all have the inner power to choose who we want to become as
individuals, how we want to be treated by others, and exactly what we want to
do with our lives. In other words, we often forget that we are not helpless
victims of society and of our wrongdoings and mistakes, that in fact we are the
creators of our lives and the authors of our stories. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
In fact, in Spanish
language, power is written as PODER. The definition of PODER means to be able
to take action. Taking this into consideration, the following story is my personal
anecdote about how through failure and struggle, I was able to tap into my
inner power and use that force within me to change my reality, to realize and
understand that even in the worst situations possible, I (as each and every one
of us does) have the inner strength to change a nightmare into a heaven. We as
individuals must understand that the power within us is limitless and that once
we learn how to tap into it, it will give us the strength, the determination,
and the resilience to both take charge and transform. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Before I share my
story with you, I would like to take a moment to reach out to all women,
regardless of age, physical appearance, sexual orientation, religion, race, marital
status, etc. It is disappointing to live in a society which, even in the year
2012, still does not fully acknowledge and treat women as the magnificent,
outstanding human beings we are. However, I would like to remind each and every
one of you that we ARE NOT HELPLESS. We are POWERFUL beyond measure and by using
that power within us, we have an absolute right to transform our lives and to
say ENOUGH to negativity and harmful situations and people around us. May my
story always remind you that you are a QUEEN, that you deserve the best of
everything and the best of everyone. Nothing is final and negative
circumstances can and will end at your volition by using your power, your
strength, and your determination as your most potent weapons in rebelling
against anything and anyone that harms you. Say ENOUGH! Say it to yourself, say
it with intent, and remind yourself that you CAN—you WILL—and realize that
the end of negativity signifies a new beginning, a new reality, and a whole new
life. It IS POSSIBLE, and it is ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. It’s within you, you have
the power, and no one or nothing can ever take that away from you. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
My story dates back to
about the year 2007. Remembering my circumstances back then, it seemed as if my
life was picture perfect and I had absolutely everything I could ever ask for.
Actually, I was one of the happiest, most fulfilled twenty year old young girls
around. In the professional aspect, I was a junior in St.
John’s University
majoring in Biology and Pre-medicine. My ultimate dream, since I was four years
old, was to become a physician. I knew that I had to excel in school in order
to achieve my goal, and I did just that. Dedicating almost all my time to my
studies, I studied endlessly and excelled exceptionally and beyond my wildest
dreams. I was on the Dean’s List during each and every one of my semesters in
College and never attained a GPA lower than 3.80 out of a possible 4.0. I was
extremely focused and even though the hours and endless classes and labs were
at times challenging, I kept giving it my all. Concerning my family and friends,
I considered myself blessed. Raised by my disabled mother and elderly
grandmother, I was always showered with the most unconditional love I have ever
known, and was supported every step of the way. In fact, I honestly do not
think I would have ever achieved anything, or even be alive right now, if I
didn’t have my two inspirations and heroes by my side. In the friendship
aspect, I was also very lucky. I met two of the most amazing girls I have ever
known, nicknamed Gigi and Nica, when I first entered St.
John’s University
in the year 2004. We remained very loyal and very supportive of each other, and
almost ten years later, in the year 2012, I am honored to still have them by my
side. I also had plenty of old friends from High School, Junior High School,
and whom I grew up with, who I had the pleasure of talking with, going out
with, and who always made me smile and laugh. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
With a great
education, an amazing family, and fun and loving friends, it seemed as if I had
it all. At that point, nothing could stop me, and my future was brighter than
ever. The only aspect of my life missing was the romantic one. However, all of
that changed, and all of my reality changed, when during that same year, I met
the person who forever marked me as a person, and as a woman: my ex-husband.
The day I met him, little did I know that this man would turn out to be both
the worst, yet most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. However, when
I say the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, it is not in
reference to the fond memories that I formed with him in the five years that we
were together. It is in reference to the beautiful, most astounding
transformation that I have ever undergone AFTER I left him, that led me to the
here, the now, that led me to become the WARRIOR, THE SURVIVOR, THE WOMAN THAT
I AM SO PROUD OF TODAY, SULAY A. THOMPSON. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I met my ex-husband
through a friend with whom I attended college. I actually remember meeting him
as if it happened yesterday. One weekend, Gigi, my friend, and I decided to go
out to eat. My friend decided to bring along his cousin, whom we will nickname
Mr. J. That night out went wonderfully well, and Mr. J and I had a true
connection. We exchanged numbers, and from there, our romantic relationship
began. The beginning of it was no different than the usual. We spoke endlessly
on the phone, we went on various dates, and there were butterflies and
fireworks everywhere. As our romantic relationship continued, everything seemed
normal. I slowly began to fall in love, for the first time in my life, and he
started to become a bigger and more important part of my life. So important,
that I even introduced him to my family and friends only months after dating; he
was all I would ever talk about. Even so, my priorities remained intact, and my
education still remained as the most important thing in my life. I continued to
excel, while I effortlessly handled my education, my family, and my significant
other. Everything was pretty normal and under control for me, and I continued
being a very happy and fulfilled girl. The year 2008 rolled by and in May, I
graduated St. John’s University
with a Bachelor’s in Biology and Pre-med. Not only that, but I received many
outstanding achievement awards and honors and graduated Magna Cum Laude. I was
more ready than ever to face the world, to conquer it, and to make my dream of
becoming Dr. Thompson a reality. This was a whole new beginning for me, and I
was more excited than ever. At this point, when I was most ready, was when it
all changed for me. It was when Mr. J, decided to turn my sweetest dream into
the most horrifying nightmare that any woman can endure. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
As I stated before,
slowly but surely, Mr. J started to become one of the most important people in
my life. Having just relocated from Dominican
Republic to the United
States only a few years ago, he was greatly
struggling, and since I had fallen in love with him, I wanted to do everything
possible to help him. Little did I know that Mr. J was playing one of the best
roles of his life, one for which I believe he deserves an award as the most
credible of actors. Little did I know that Mr. J was pretending to be the
perfect mate, because eventually his VISA would expire and we would need to
marry a U.S.
citizen to stay in the country. And little did I know that Mr. J would
change from being my Prince Charming to becoming the most horrible monster
imaginable, one who would abuse me emotionally, mentally, and physically so
much that the bright, shining star that I was, and the glowing light which I had
within me, would dim so drastically, that I almost completely, but not
entirely, was left in total darkness.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Mr. J was struggling
very much as a recent immigrant, and since our relationship was very strong
and, up until that point, positive, I decided to take a major step in our
relationship. Since at that point he was almost homeless, had major financial
problems, and was alone in this country, I asked him to move into a vacant
space at my home. My mother and grandmother had seen how happy I was, and how
great he had been to me, and accepted this move as long as we slept in
different rooms. Consequently, after his move I put a great deal of energy into
welcoming him into my family. In Mr. J’s twisted mind, he had accomplished a
major step towards his goal of obtaining his green card. So, since he had his
foot in the door, his true colors started to show. The darkness within him
began to surface little by little.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
After he moved in, I
started noticing small changes in him. The attentive, charming, loving mate
that he was started to slowly dwindle. The bright girl, who had her priorities
straight and who had goals and dreams, slowly started to change as well. Soon,
I found myself not caring about anything or anyone but Mr. J. Without even
realizing it, he and his well-being became my absolute and sole goal and that
part of me, that energetic, goal-oriented girl was slowly dying within me. The
abuse did not start immediately, but signs soon started to surface; first he
began ignoring me, becoming distant and cold, and very often, extremely moody
and rude. At first I was perplexed at this sudden change. I asked myself, what
is happening? Why is it that the more love that I give him, the more he changes
for the worst? I could not find answers within me, and neither could I get them
from him. And so I continued showering him with love and affection, foolishly
thinking that it was exactly what he needed. Conversely, as I continued with my
failed efforts, circumstances began to change very fast and very drastically,
until one day I woke up and I did not recognize the man I had fallen in love
with and more sadly, I did not recognize the girl into whom I had become. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
When I state that
things began to go downhill quickly, it is not an understatement. Within a few
months, the bright girl who had medical school as her goal was completely gone.
Also within a few months, that loving, charming man turned into a rude,
distant, and disrespectful person towards the girl who had given it all up to
try and help him. The abuse began towards the last few months in 2008 and
largely escalated in the year 2009. First it began emotionally. I gave him
love, I tried to be close to him both emotionally and physically, and he would
push me away in all forms possible. I would try to be sweet and caring, and he
would disregard every aspect of it, including calling me names and completely
destroying my self-esteem any way he could think of. He would literally tell me
that I could not accomplish anything, and made me feel worthless. Slowly but surely,
he alienated me from the closest people to me by telling me that I needed him,
that everyone around me wanted to harm me and wanted to separate us. The
reality was that everyone around me started seeing bad signs, and tried to help
me understand. However, at this point I was almost completely blinded. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The abuse went on to
become both mental and emotional and before long I was living a hell right here
on Earth. Mentally, he completely manipulated me in any way possible. He always
made me believe that something was wrong with me, that I was at fault, and that
I was a complete, miserable failure. He eventually manipulated me so much that
he even told me that I did not deserve to be loved, that I was worthless, and
that my mother and grandmother did not want me to be happy. I started
deteriorating at very rapid pace. The motivated girl that I used to be started
believing every lie that he fed me. I had plans of entering medical school in
2008, but eventually I tossed it to the side, and my lifelong dream soon meant
nothing to me because I truly believed that I was not capable of doing it. It
got much worse when the abuse started becoming physical, so physical that I
almost lost my life in his hands, not once, but twice, and that is not even
including the multiple times in which he shoved me, pushed me, grabbed me by my
neck, arms, legs, and slammed me against the floor or any other object that
would inflict pain.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The physical abuse
began when in the middle of arguing, I would try and reason with him so that he
would not storm out and avoid the conflict like he always did. Instead of
assuring me he would be back and that we would reach a compromise, this man,
almost 300 lbs.
and 6’ tall, would
take me, a petite woman of 120 lbs.
and 5’3” tall, grab me by any body part, and literally slam me against
anything, whether it was a table, the sofa, the door, our car, or anything he could
find until I was bruised and in terrible pain. He would actually take my small
arms, my small hands, and twist and turn them so much until they were at the
brink of breaking until I was in agonizing pain and had to plead and beg him
for mercy. One of the many times in which we argued, he cracked my head open. I
clearly remember the incident as if it happened yesterday; we were in the basement
where we parked our car. We argued, and he took me by the neck and slammed my
head against one of the metal poles in the middle of the basement. Up until
this day, I remember the severe pain that I felt, and I also recall him getting
me into the car, driving off with me and stating that he was going to crash and
kill the both of us. Luckily, I convinced him to let me go in the middle of an
unknown street, and in pain, in tears, I walked home, went into my bathroom,
cleaned my head, and was so terrified that I could not speak to anyone or ask
anyone for help. This was the first attempt against my life, and then came the
first time he tortured me, and then he tried killing me AGAIN.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Experiencing torture from
the man for whom I had given it ALL to make happy marked one of the most
horrifying events of my life. At this point, I had helped and supported him so
much, that he was able to afford to rent a room in the building next to mine.
Even out of my household, the arguments between us never ended and everything
bothered him and made him angry and he often exploded. His fuse got shorter and
shorter every time. During the argument that led to the torture, he was
violently screaming at me because I had not ironed his clothes the way he
wanted me to. I got highly upset and wanted to come back home. Since I had to
do everything how and when he wanted to, he often got angry when I did the
contrary to what he stated. At that point, I walked out of his room, and he
grabbed me. I screamed and tried to get away, but his strength greatly
overpowered me. He grabbed me by my neck and put me him his room, closing the
door behind him. As I struggled to get away, he pinned me against the floor
until I could not move even a hair. I screamed and screamed, and he eventually
found a rag and stuck it in my mouth so no one would hear. I tried wrestling,
kicking, doing anything possible but my efforts were in vain. Eventually, he
took clothes of his that were lying around and tied both my arms and my legs
until I couldn’t wrestle, kick or scream anymore. There I was, in the middle of
his room, on the floor, lying helplessly and crying what seemed to me tears of
blood. I thought to myself that it would be over soon, that in a few minutes he
would let me go. I was wrong. He actually kept me tied down for the entire day
without feeding me, and without letting me go. I stayed an entire day at his
mercy, and there was no one around to help me. He went about his day, fixing
his clothes, playing video games while I was lying there completely tied up.
The torture got even worse when my mother, worried that she had not heard from
me during the entire day, called him. He answered the phone and pretended
everything was fine, and even put the phone to my ear so I could hear my mom’s
voice, but since he had put a rag in my mouth, I could not ask for help. When
the call ended, I thought I was going to die at his hands. I cried endlessly,
but at that point, tears meant absolutely nothing. I could not understand how I
could endure so much pain and suffering. A part of me felt like giving up, but
there was something in me that kept telling me to keep fighting, that it was
not over yet. Eventually, after about 12 hours, he let me go. At that point I
was so numb from so much suffering that all I did was leave, come running to my
house, and lay in my bed without saying a word to anyone. All I thought was, I
survived and I prayed to God to help me find a way to end this suffering and
pain. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The second attempt
against my life happened shortly after the torture. He came to visit me at my
house and, as always, we argued. At this point, everyone in my life suspected
the abuse, but I vehemently denied it because he would tell me that he would
kill me if anyone found out. My mother and my grandmother knew something was
very wrong. I always came home afraid, speechless, and full of bruises. They
would plead and ask me to end my relationship with him, and instead of
listening to them, I got angry at them. Becoming angry was my way of expressing
my pain and my suffering without truly revealing what was occurring. In a way,
it became my defense mechanism. Therefore, my mother and grandmother just knew
something was wrong, and at one point, they truly thought I was losing my mind.
Whenever he was in front of them, he acted as the perfect man. He portrayed an
image of a calm, well organized man who was always in control of his emotions
and actions, while behind closed doors he was the most horrible monster
imaginable. Since this was his image, and since they did not know about the
abuse, all my mother and grandmother saw was a very loving man, yet I was
always angry, emotional, and very withdrawn with them. They had no clue that
the problem, in fact, was HIM and not me: they had no clue. The second attempt
against my life happened the night he came to visit; as he went into the
hallway, we were still arguing. At one point, he got so angry that he actually
grabbed me, put me upside down, and threatened to let me fall down an entire
flight of stairs headfirst. I was so afraid that all I could do was cry and
scream. Luckily, a neighbor heard me, came out, and just as he opened the door,
Mr. J put me down, ran down the stairs and left. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
As if that wasn’t
enough, he also broke my middle finger right at the joint, leaving it permanently
crooked for life. At this point in the relationship, we were already engaged to
be married. You might be thinking, ‘Sulay, if the abuse was so bad, why on
Earth did you marry him?’ The truth is that I was not Sulay Thompson anymore. I
was a manipulated, battered, abused, and broken down puppet of Mr. J. At this
point in my life, all I knew was pain, and neither my thoughts nor my actions
were rational anymore. Also, the abuse did not escalate so horrifically until
we were officially engaged, and then married. As expected, the marriage was not
approved of by the majority of the people in my life, even though I hid the
abuse. Everyone knew something was terribly wrong. However, in my abused and
manipulated mind, I felt that by marrying him I was helping him, and that he
would eventually change and become a great man once he knew he was not going to
be deported. My mind was completely distorted at this point due to all this
abuse, and I was not capable of being rational. He was smart about what he did;
he waited to be married, to have his green card, until he showed his true
colors. I did marry him after he broke my finger due to the fact that he truly
made me believe that it was MY FAULT: yes, MY FAULT. This incident happened in
the middle of another argument. It was a cold winter day, and again, as always,
he blamed me for something. He proceeded to put his long pants on and as I
grabbed the pants by one of the belt hooks to stop him from leaving, he pulled
it from me so hard, that my ring finger broke. The pain was unbearable and
after going to the hospital it was confirmed that I had a fracture. After 3
months of physical therapy, my finger gained functionality, even though it
remains crooked. Most people would expect Mr. J to have had felt bad about this.
They’re wrong. All he said was that it was my fault for taking his pants and
that I deserved it. Even though a part of me thought that his explanation made
no sense, I was easily manipulated by him. Of course, I lied to everyone and
told them that the door slammed on my finger. I even gave this explanation to
the doctor himself, who questioned me over and over. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
As I finished typing
those last words, a thought crossed my mind. I cannot believe that I endured so
much. To tell you the truth, after years of enduring this, I eventually did
break down. This monster abused and broke me down so terribly, that Sulay
Thompson eventually became a simple nobody. As the abuse progressed and got
worse, my response to all of it was to hide as much as possible. I wanted to
hide from him, so he would not kill me, and also from my mother and grandmother
so that they would notice it less. By the year 2010, the bright straight-A student
who had a brilliant future, turned into a broken down girl who would not work,
would not go to school, and would instead hide in her room every single day of
her life. I refused to admit the abuse to even my mother and my grandmother,
and I was so broken down that I would literally never get out of bed to even
shower or change clothes. </div>
<div align="center" class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><u>The Warrior</u></b></div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
My loved ones grew
more and more concerned about me. They would notice the bruises, the scars, and
yet all I would do is stay silent and cry. I started to have very intense panic
attacks and my crying was endless. At this point, everyone thought that it was
over for me. That there was no coming back from this and that Sulay Thompson,
that brilliant, energetic girl, was gone forever. However, they were wrong,
very wrong. Everything changed, the minute that I stood up from that bed, and
decided ENOUGH. To tell you the truth, I do not know where I got the strength
or the illumination to do this. Up until this date, I truly believe that my
mother and grandmother’s prayers were answered by God. It happened so
drastically, and so suddenly, that in my mind it truly has to be a miracle. In
the midst of endless crying, and of panic attacks, I woke up one day and I said
“Mom, I need you, I need help and I need it now.” This was when Sulay, the
warrior was born, and when enough truly was ENOUGH. My mother, the one person
on Earth who has NEVER given up on me, did not hesitate to provide me with the
help that I needed. The first step that I took was to ask my mother to take me
to a psychologist. At this point, my mother knew that something drastic was
about to happen, that something in me lit up, that I realized that no matter
how small it was, there was still an ounce of power within me to change my
reality, to stop the abuse, the tears, the panic attacks, to be FREE from that
hell and create a new reality. I can truly state that I was enlightened.
The warrior in me slowly took hold</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Upon seeing the
psychologist, I struggled explaining to him the abuse. It was so much, and I
was so afraid that I truly did not know how to ask for help; all I knew was
that I desperately needed it. My first step was to get away from Mr. J and the
abuse. Therefore, since I had lost over 20
lbs. and was in very bad physical condition, I pleaded
with the psychologist to put me in a hospital. He did not understand why, but
at this point I had planned out my recovery plan and I finally had started to
think rationally and knew exactly what I wanted to do. In my head, I thought
that if I could get away from him and from everyone and everything, it would
give me time to think about how I would end this hell and live free from the abuse
and suffering. Even though the psychologist did not understand, he agreed to
admit me to the hospital since I was in very bad physical and emotional
condition.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Being admitted to the
hospital was my first step toward the miracle that I truly made happen in my
life. Upon arriving there, I got immediate medical attention and I asked for a
psychologist to see and talk to me every day. While there, things changed
dramatically for me. I was put on anti-anxiety medication and was also treated
for being malnourished. There, in a hospital very far away from home, for the
first time in many years, I felt safe. I knew that I had all the help that I
needed, and for the first time in years, I confided in the team of professionals
available to me and talked about the abuse. Once they were aware of the
intensity of the abuse I had been subjected to, they arranged an entire team to
help me get out of it. I was at the hospital for an entire two weeks,
surrounded by the most caring, loving professionals I have ever met, and there
I talked, talked, and talked, and even opened up to my mother about it. For the
first time I could freely and openly state my feelings and I felt like I had
reached heaven. For the first time ever, I was NOT afraid, and I learned that I
was NOT alone. Of course, it was a very slow process, because at the beginning
I did not even recognize that the relationship was abusive and kept blaming
myself. However, slowly but surely I came out of that tortured, manipulated
state of mind, and I started to re-gain some of what was left of that bright
girl. After two weeks of intensive help, I decided to come back home. This
time, Sulay the fighter was born. I was determined more than ever in my life to
cut the abuse, to gain back what I had lost, and to have a new beginning. It
was OVER for him, and it was just starting for me. It was time to fight, and
fight hard: this was my opportunity. </div>
<div align="center" class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center; text-indent: 35.4pt;">
<b><u>The
Survivor</u></b></div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
The professionals at the hospital made me
realize that I had power within me. Power to change my circumstances, power to
live my life free from abuse and torture, and power to claim back all that I
had lost at this monster’s hands. I did just that. The first day home I asked
my mother to help me finance a divorce. At this point, I did not care that by
divorcing him, he probably would be deported, and I even hoped that he would be.
My mother, my hero, my savior, again did not hesitate and provided me with the
financial support I needed to get a divorce. I had decided that this monster
was out of my life once and for all. I proceeded to start the paperwork on the
divorce without consulting him, because according to me, he had no option and
no say in anything I did or wanted. It was MY TIME to claim my power and life
back, to do as I wanted, and above all it was MY TIME to end my suffering and
seeking healing and happiness. Therefore, I also proceeded in taking all his
possessions out of my house, I closed the joint back account that we had, and I
also cut his cell phone line because it was under my name. I went into my
Facebook and Gmail accounts and deleted and blocked him, as well as everyone
associated with him. At this point, that determined girl was back and back with
force. I did not consult him in any of the steps I was taking because for the
first time, I was not afraid; I was fighting for myself and my happiness and no
one could or would stop me. During this process, I continued seeking
psychological help, and it was crucial in helping me stay strong and focused. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
You are probably wondering if he didn’t
try to brainwash me and stop me during all of this. Of course he did, many
times. So much that I even had to call the police twice on him due to the fact
that he kept threatening me. However, instead of going to my bed and crying out
of fear, I stood strong and did not waver. Honestly, this was one of the most
challenging parts of my recovery process. It was challenging due to the fact
that I continually had to keep moving forward without taking any backward
steps. I had to ACT, act FAST, and act NOW. And ACT I did. I can proudly state
that in February 2011 I officially divorced Mr. J and he was officially removed
from every single aspect of my life in every way imaginable. In fact, due to
the fact that he had to stay married to a U.S.
citizen to keep his green card, he is currently at risk of being deported, and
honestly, I couldn’t care less about what happens to him at this point. I
clearly remember the last time I saw him or had any contact with him. I had
gone to his apartment so that he could sign the divorce papers. He tried to
convince me otherwise, and I did not waver. Eventually, he walked me to the
lobby of the building, gave me the papers and stood there, hoping I would
change my mind. I left the building, with my signed divorce papers, turn my
head, saw him standing through the glass doors, stared straight into his eyes
with a look that said “It’s over,” and then turned my head the other direction
and NEVER, EVER looked back. That incident marked the death of Mr. J for me.
There and then, I buried him, his memories, and his abuse. GAME OVER MR. J.
</div>
<div align="center" class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<b><u>A Woman</u></b></div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
The miracle that happened after I took
charge of my life, of my emotions, of my actions, and claimed the power within
me, has been the most beautiful transformation of my life. In fact I often
compare this transformation to the growth process of a butterfly. I went from
being an ugly caterpillar, to spreading my eyes wide open and soaring above
that hell into the beautiful and sunny skies of heaven. Even though what
happened to me was tragic, I would not change a bit of it. Why? Because every
tear, every bruise, every scar, is proof of what tried to destroy me and
DIDN’T. I AM STILL HERE TODAY. WHY? Because enduring all that pain and
suffering has transformed me from that brilliant girl, to that manipulated,
tortured broken down person, to this determined, motivated,
compassionate, and HAPPY woman that I can truthfully and honestly state I am
today. Today, I am Sulay Thompson the WOMAN. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
After my divorce was finalized, the year
2011 marked a period of intense healing and transformation for me. During this
year I worked closed with all those professionals and loving family members and
friends who supported me endlessly on my path towards recovery and healing. As
the months went by, I slowly started to take charge of my life. The first
aspect was MY FAMILY. My amazing mother and grandmother, who endured so much
pain seeing me so broken down, but who smiled so brightly seeing me stand a
little bit taller as each day passed. My mother and my grandmother have always
done everything possible to make me feel loved and special. Therefore, I
decided that it was time to show them how much I loved them and how, without
them, I would not be standing today. So, I became the head of my household.
That spoiled only child who never had to lift a finger at home became the
pillar of strength for my family. After years of being looked after, I learned
how to clean my house and cook, I learned how to do laundry for all of us, and
I also learned how to run all possible errands and perform all the chores that
needed attention. For the first time ever, I began to take care of them,
instead of them taking care of me. I realized that I was a grown woman, and
that the days in which I was treated like a spoiled little girl were completely
gone. In fact, I became so efficient at home that my mother and grandmother did
not have to worry about one single thing at home. I was in charge of their
doctors’ appointments and even handled the bills and finances close to
perfection. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
As time went on, my inner strength grew
and grew and I finally learned not to mourn the loss of who I was, but to
embrace the new WOMAN I was becoming. I finally learned that even though that
brilliant girl was gone, a new woman full of experience, determination,
resilience, and compassion was slowly emerging. I do need to acknowledge a very
important person in my life who helped me navigate through the emotional and
mental waves of my healing and recovery: my therapist, Danielle. Her constant
encouragement, made me believe in myself more and more each day, and made me
realize, that it was only the beginning. In fact, my strength grew so much that
when my grandmother got diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2011, I was her
biggest emotional and mental support. Even though I was still recovering and
healing myself, my grandmother needed me, and when I was needed, I was there.
Every day I reminded her that she would be beat the cancer, and that we would
do it together. I stayed sleeping with her in the hospital endless days, and
took care of her in every way possible. I always had a smile on my face and
encouraged her every step of the way. Together, we did it. Currently, my
grandmother is cancer free, and here we stand, my mother, my grandmother, and I
as three warriors, as three survivors, and as three powerful women. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
My life continued to change more in more
in all positive aspects. Slowly I started to believe more and more in myself,
and I started, for the first time in a long time, BEING HAPPY. I was not afraid
anymore, and I faced the world proudly and with a great deal of enthusiasm. I
also made it very clear in my mind that it was very important for me to take
care of myself. So did. I started to enjoy life once more. I started to do
things that I once enjoyed and also started discovering new ones. I took pride
in my appearance and began to finally love my physical appearance again. I
finally went shopping, and enjoyed it and truthfully believed I looked great in
what I bought. I also started to socialize once more, to recover those old
friends whom I had lost and to make many new ones, with whom I started to make
many great and new memories. Surprisingly, with time, I also began to date and
allowed myself to feel something special for someone again. Once more, my life
was full of positivity, and hope. Smiley Sulay, as I was known for so many
years, finally was smiling again. I had, and I currently have, so much to be
proud of, and so much to smile about. I smile because I conquered, I smile
because I persevered, and I smile because I am positive that great things are
waiting in my bright future. I am a WOMAN now. A woman of value, a woman of
immense inner strength, and a woman of power, power within MYSELF to conquer,
to endure, and to transform. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
I can proudly state that at this current
date, I am completely healed and recovered from all the abuse. As said before,
he died to me and with him died all the negativity that I experienced. Of
course, the memories and scars will remain with me forever. However, instead of
being full of pain and emotion, these memories and scars are tools I use daily
to remind myself that I am strong, that I am resilient, and that I can and will
survive any adversity that comes my way. As I type my story, I realize that I
have transformed my life and myself. I realize that the woman who has typed
this story is very different from the girl who endured all of that. I am very
proud of myself for giving myself a new chance at life, and for not giving up
during my darkest hours. I am now a woman full of life experience, full of
enthusiasm and energy, and I am a woman who is not afraid, who sees the world
brightly and affectionately, a woman who is a warrior, who is a survivor, and
who is an example that starting over is possible, that it is never too late.</div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
Currently, in the year 2012, Sulay
Thompson the woman keeps growing every day. I am a woman who is blessed to have
two of the most amazing women by her side, my mother and grandmother, who is
blessed to have amazing and positive friends in her life, and who truly smiles
from within. All that negativity has truly become a whisper in my past, a past
which I will never forget, but a past that influenced this beautiful
transformation and for which I am forever grateful. Each and every day, I wake
up, and I feel blessed to have endured, survived, and transformed. And each and
every day is a new beginning for me, as today I strive to become a better woman
than I was yesterday. As far as my lifelong dream to become a physician, I am
currently pursuing it and have just finished my paperwork for my application to
start school next semester. My dream within me never died, and never will. </div>
<div class="yiv1426430046msonormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
May my story serve as a reminder for you;
a reminder that it is NEVER over, that you have it within you to conquer every
obstacle possible, a reminder that life offers second chances and that it is up
to us make the most out of them. Wake up every day with intent, with passion,
and determination, knowing that it is a brand new beginning. Whatever it might
be that you are striving for, don’t stop short of the miracle. Apparently
miracles do happen, and I am one of them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-86235412031392525292012-04-02T21:58:00.002-04:002012-04-02T22:09:52.513-04:00How Abstinence-Only Education Nearly Fucked Me For Life<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">[TW for abstinence-only propaganda, denial of autonomy, menstruation (and all the horrid symptoms that come with it), miscarriage, STIs]</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><b>It is a proven fact that an abstinence-only “education” that fails to teach young women how to protect themselves from pregnancy and STIs, that removes women from their bodily autonomy and forces them to make “choices” that aren’t really choices, is the real cause of the physical and psychological harm that abstinence-only advocates claim comes from premarital sex.</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><br />
I didn’t have my first “sex-ed” class until I was in my sophomore year of high school. A lovely woman from the local health clinic volunteered, like she did every year, to teach us young folk how to properly use condoms, complete with the traditional demonstration with a banana. Along with this pertinent and relevant information, she also informed us of the proper ways to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and all was well with the world. <b>That is, until she was banned from teaching at our school right after that lesson.</b><b> </b> According to the school, who as far as I know wasn’t officially teaching sexual education under an abstinence-only until marriage (AOUM) curriculum at the time, <b>the lesson was “obscene” and would no longer be available to us.</b> Instead, the following year (we had sexual education classes every year), we were given a brief summary of the same information that we had heard the previous year, albeit censored and without the demonstrations, <b>and the rest of the lesson was spent teaching us about abstinence.</b><b> </b> I actually stood up and told the gym teacher (they wouldn’t even allow a health professional to give the lesson), “You do realize that most of us in the room have already had sex, right?” She paused for a moment, probably to clutch her metaphorical pearls, and instead of actually answering my question, completely ignored it and continued her speech about abstinence. </div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">The AOUM curriculum is teaching young people that sex is dangerous to their health, when in reality, <b>it’s the AOUM curriculum that is the real danger to young people. </b>The AOUM curriculum failed me personally in multiple ways, both reproductively and medically. The first time AOUM failed me was when I was having heavy periods that would last anywhere from 7-10 days (one time I had my period for two weeks straight), accompanied by debilitating cramps that left me nauseated and unable to move. I didn’t know anything about birth control pills. I knew how they worked, sure, but I was never told how to procure them. I was never told that I could go to Planned Parenthood and get them without my parents’ knowledge for a reduced fee, or even no fee at all. <b>So for six years, from the time I was 12 until I was 18, I suffered in agony. </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><br />
The second time AOUM failed me was when I was 17. I was in a possibly-romantic but definitely-sexual relationship with a young man I had met a few months prior. We were using condoms, of course, because I was a smart young woman who didn’t want to get pregnant or get an STI. <b>However, when my period was two weeks late, I began to panic.</b> I couldn’t bring myself to take a pregnancy test after the first week. “Just one more day,” I would tell myself. “Just one more day and then if it doesn’t show up I’ll take a test.” I never did, of course, despite the fact that the thought of food made me feel sick to my stomach and my breasts felt like two heavily-beaten piñatas. About three days after the “two week wait,” my period finally showed. It was the heaviest, most painful period I had ever had, accompanied by strange masses of grayish matter that I had never seen before. <b>At the time, I thought it was just extra-heavy because it was so late; the thought of a miscarriage never crossed my mind. </b> I actually never did find out if I was pregnant or if that period was a miscarriage; part of me still wonders sometimes, and part of me never wants to know. The point of this story is that if I had known about how to procure and use birth control pills, if AOUM hadn’t suppressed that information and made me feel ashamed to ask anyone about them, <b>the answer would have had a 99.9% chance instead of a 50/50 chance of being no. </b> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">The third time AOUM failed me was when I entered a monogamous relationship with another man four years later. While my school hadn’t gone so far as to say you had to be married in order to have sex, you had to at least be monogamous, and the implication was that this somehow made you immune to STIs. Because I was finally on the pill and, hey, we were monogamous after all, the condom use fell by the wayside. <b>So you can imagine my surprise when my gynecologist called me at home a few days after my annual pap smear to tell me that not only did I have an abnormal pap smear result, I also had Chlamydia. </b>(I wrote a whole other post about this, which you can find <a href="http://wtfwhatthefeminist.blogspot.com/2011/07/learning-my-lesson-hard-way.html">here</a>.)<b> </b>Turns out that my partner at the time had had some not-so-safe fun with another woman before we got together and he had passed what she had given him along to me. <b>What the school failed to tell me, no thanks to AOUM, was that previous partners of my current partner might have had (or still have) something that they passed on to him, who could in turn pass it on to me, no matter how faithfully monogamous we both were.</b><b> </b> Thanks to the privilege of health insurance, we both got treated right away, but if AOUM had given me the proper information in the first place, <b>this whole situation might have been avoided.</b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">The way AOUM chooses to educate young people about sex is atrocious. As Michelle Fine and Sara I. McClelland state in their article "<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Sexuality Education and Desire: Still Missing after All These Years," </span>we are “being educated to mistrust condoms and contraception, to feel shame about [our] premarital sexuality, and to remain silent about [our] own sexual development…<b>by condemning premarital sexual activity, contraception, and condoms—educators, policymakers, and families are placing young people at risk”</b> (24). Despite the fact that sex education doesn’t increase sexual activity among young people, and instead increases the sense of sexual responsibility held by each person getting involved in a sexual relationship (25), more often than not, AOUM is the chosen curriculum for sexual education for our young people. Rather than arming young people, particularly young women (who will feel the brunt of the reproductive and social responsibility should they get pregnant or contract an STI) with the knowledge they will need to navigate the world of sexuality without reproductive or health consequences, <b>we are sending them into battle unarmed, and the evidence proves it.</b> I hope that by sharing my real-life examples and adding them to the evidence pile, I have made this fact as crystal clear and as salient as possible.<br />
<br />
<u>Citations</u><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Fine, Michelle, and Sara I. McClelland. "Sexuality Education and Desire: Still Missing after All These </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Years." <i>Graduate Center, City University of New York</i>. Print. </span></div>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-11783454220506976452012-02-28T20:58:00.004-05:002012-02-28T21:06:43.617-05:00Why the MRA (Men's Rights Activist) Movement is Dangerous for Women<b>[Serious TW for MRA related content, forced pregnancy, abortion, rape apologia, rape culture, victim-blaming, slut-shaming, denial of autonomy, misogyny, patriarchy...pretty much if you can think of it, it's probably in here] </b><br />
<br />
For those of you who don't know what the MRA movement is, the unofficial definition that I've come up with is that it's a bunch of over-privileged men who are throwing a temper tantrum because women have realized that they're not doormats, and so they're rolling on the ground, kicking their feet, and holding their breath until we women shut the fuck up and go back to being barefoot and pregnant. They seem to believe that women have it incredibly fucking awesome (because misogyny, slut-shaming, victim-blaming, etc. totally don't exist anymore), and they basically think that the feminist movement is a bunch of bullshit and is no longer necessary because, hey, women have it incredibly fucking awesome!<br />
<br />
One of the incredibly dangerous aspects of the MRA movement is the father's rights movement, which believes in preventing women from having an abortion without the father's consent, arguing that it is discriminatory for men not to have the ability to participate in a decision to terminate a pregnancy. <b>Forcing a woman to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term is tantamount to physical, emotional, and psychological torture.</b> Furthermore, forcing a woman to obtain consent from the father in order to have an abortion not only perpetuates the infantilization of women, wherein women are believed to be <b>so fucking stupid that we can't make decisions on our own without the help of a man</b>, as well as the patriarchal belief that <b>women shouldn't be <i>allowed</i> to make decisions without a man's consent,</b> <b>but it also puts abused women in serious danger.</b> Can you imagine what it would be like for a woman who has been abused to tell her abuser that she's pregnant and wants to abort? Can you imagine what the consequences would be for her? There are a few things that could happen, but the most likely scenarios include her being forced to endure the pregnancy and keep the child against her will, thereby <b>tying herself to her abuser in one way or another for the remainder of her life (which might not be for very long, statistically speaking)</b>, or her attempting to abort the fetus herself, which can result in serious injury (including sepsis, a perforated uterus or intestines, etc.) and even death. <br />
<br />
Another very dangerous aspect of the MRA movement is their stance on rape. MRAs believe that there is an epidemic of false rape accusations sweeping the globe, and these are the men you will find, after a high-profile male has been accused of rape, screaming that the woman just wanted money/fame/etc., she wasn't actually raped, she just has "buyer's remorse," etc. These men are also the same men you will find concern-trolling and stating, for women's benefit of course, that if women just dressed modestly, didn't drink, didn't go out at night, didn't go out alone, didn't go out at all, etc., we wouldn't have to worry about being raped. I've explained this before, but if rape had anything to do with any of that, women who dress modestly, don't drink, only go out during the day, only go out in groups, never go out at all, would never be raped. And yet, with a statistic of 1 in 6 women being raped in her lifetime, this happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I don't think I have to explain why this MRA viewpoint is dangerous to women, but just for shits and giggles, the reason this is dangerous is not only because of the obvious, which is that <b>it perpetuates rape culture, slut-shames and blames the victim, and prevents rape victims from coming forward and pressing charges</b>, but also because <b>they fully believe that because of a few false accusations, all accusations of rape must automatically be assumed to be false.</b> This is clearly more than problematic for women who are raped.<br />
<br />
In relation to the previous paragraph, many MRAs believe that it is discriminatory to name accused rapists while providing the accuser with anonymity. Clearly, they have never experienced what it's like to come forward with a charge of rape, only to be told that they're obviously lying because of their clothing, their past sexual behaviors, their level of sobriety at the time, the time they were outside, etc. In other words, <b>they've never experienced the same vitriol that they throw at rape victims all the time</b>. They also clearly have no idea of the kinds of repercussions that a rape victim faces from not only her attacker, but from the friends of her attacker, etc. It's not uncommon for rape victims to have threats of further sexual violence and death thrown at them for daring to come forward with the charges. Not only this, but some MRAs actually <b>question the criminal status of marital rape</b>, and when having sex outside of marriage, they have suggested the signing of a "consensual sex contract" by partners before sexual intercourse in order to protect men from accusations of rape. So, in other words, according to MRAs, women who get married to men <b>cannot possibly be raped</b> <b>because men are entitled to sex with their wives, even if it's forced</b>, and when having sex outside of marriage, <b>instead of obtaining enthusiastic, clear consent from their partners and only performing the sexual acts that said partner has consented to, they place a ridiculous burden on their partners in the form of this ridiculous contract, which doesn't actually prevent the man from raping his sex partner; it only prevents him from being accused. </b><br />
<br />
I only have one question when it comes to this contract: <b>what's going to prevent the man from raping his partner and then using the contract as evidence that he didn't rape her? </b><sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-telher_102-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men%27s_rights#cite_note-telher-102"></a></sup><br />
<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show">If there are any MRAs reading this right now, I hope your eyes have been opened a bit, and I hope you realize that there is no supposed War on Men. There is, however, an increasing demand that you men take responsibility for your words, actions, behaviors, etc., particularly those that perpetuate misogyny, rape culture and the patriarchy. <b>There is a VERY big difference between a "War on Men" and asking men to take responsibility for their actions, and if there is a conflation of the two in your mind, if you equate the cessation of the continued subjugation of women with a "War on Men," you have serious fucking problems.</b></span>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-62654508378831121432012-02-14T02:51:00.000-05:002012-02-14T02:51:10.579-05:00Pro-Life = Anti-Woman: A Rant<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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[TW for forced pregnancy, misogyny, slut-shaming, pro-life bullshit] <br />
<br />
I am getting SO SICK AND TIRED of people emotionally blackmailing women into carrying an unwanted pregnancy to term. The physical and emotional toll is bad enough when the pregnancy IS wanted, but fuck it, women are just breeding machines anyway, what's the difference if the woman didn't want to continue the pregnancy and have a life of her own? All women are good for is popping out babies. And let's face it, if you're gonna be a slut and open your legs, you deserve to be punished with nine months of pregnancy, the agony of childbirth, and the emotional toll of raising a child or putting it up for adoption. It's not like it takes any REAL effort to raise a child, nor does it have ANY effect on you whatsoever when you give that child up for adoption and sit there for the rest of your life wondering how they are. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yep.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">How about this: if you don't want an abortion, DON'T FUCKING GET ONE. And for all the people who are gonna come out of the woodwork and be like OH YOUR MOTHER CHOSE LIFE, OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE HURR DURR, the point is she CHOSE. <b>SHE HAD A CHOICE.</b> And if she had decided to end her pregnancy, I wouldn't be conscious to know that she did it, ergo I wouldn't care. And not for nothing, this whole pro-life thing has nothing to do with saving babies and preventing abortions. If that were true, the pro-lifers would be all over birth control, which is proven to prevent unwanted pregnancies, and therefore prevent abortions. But, you know, that would involve giving women choices and rights.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>And we just can't have that, can we?</b></div>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-4326995137552403362012-01-28T04:25:00.000-05:002012-01-28T04:25:24.341-05:00Crawl Inside (A Poem)[TW for abortion, misogyny, forced pregnancy, STIs, domestic violence, graphic bloody violence, death, pregnancy symptoms, stomach illness]<br />
<br />
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<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">January 28, 2012</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Crawl Inside</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If you want to crawl inside my uterus, Mr. Rich White Republican</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then I want you to see everything</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not just the parts that are supposedly meant to nurture another human life</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not just the parts that you want to control and turn into a fetus factory</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not just the fantastical, sparkly wonderland that you seem to think pregnancy is</div><div class="MsoNormal">(Which is funny coming from someone who has never been, or will ever be, pregnant)</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want you to see me shaking, locked in my bathroom</div><div class="MsoNormal">Pregnancy test in hand, praying for that negative </div><div class="MsoNormal">Crying with relief when it comes</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want you to see my womb </div><div class="MsoNormal">Ravaged by a silent sickness that went unchecked for months </div><div class="MsoNormal">I want you to see the fifteen-year-old girl shaking in silence</div><div class="MsoNormal">Staring at the little plus that will change her life forever</div><div class="MsoNormal">Knowing that her father is going to beat her, possibly to death this time</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want you to see the thirty-year-old woman doubled over the toilet</div><div class="MsoNormal">Heaving up the only meal she was able to even attempt eating that day</div><div class="MsoNormal">Writhing in nauseated agony and cursing God, despite how much she wants that child</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want you to see the mother of six whose birth control failed</div><div class="MsoNormal">Who finds herself pregnant again and desperate</div><div class="MsoNormal">Who finds herself in a back-alley abortion clinic because every other reputable clinic has shut down</div><div class="MsoNormal">Who finds herself in the morgue because the “doctor” pulled out her intestines along with the fetus, and her blood went septic, killing her slowly and painfully</div><div class="MsoNormal">Crawl inside my uterus, Mr. Rich White Republican</div><div class="MsoNormal">See that all of these women who are screaming, groaning, pushing, laboring</div><div class="MsoNormal">We are not screaming in the agony of contractions</div><div class="MsoNormal">We are not groaning through the pain of birth</div><div class="MsoNormal">We are not pushing out anything from between our legs</div><div class="MsoNormal">We are not laboring to bring forth new life </div><div class="MsoNormal">We are laboring to bring forth our own </div>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-76384591216423944582011-09-14T01:47:00.000-04:002011-09-14T01:48:02.030-04:00Making Sense of it All<div class="MsoNormal">[TW for 9/11] </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You don’t even have to say the date anymore, I don’t think. You can introduce a story with the words “That mid-September morning” and people will automatically know what story you’re about to tell. The where you were, what you were doing, why you were there, how much you had seen or not seen, how much you had heard or not heard. I was in middle school. Seventh grade. Twelve years old. In social studies class. I hadn’t heard much of anything save for a really loud plane, and I remember watching it fly past the window of my early morning classroom and thinking, “Gee, that plane looks kinda low.” I try not to think about that part of the day. This is actually probably the first time I’ve ever even mentioned it. Everything had already happened by the time they had told us that something was even remotely wrong. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had had a dream the night before that I was standing with a bunch of people around this giant Olympic-sized swimming pool and that ninjas came out of the sky and pushed us all in. I woke up just as I was hitting the water. I had no clue what that dream could have possibly meant. I still sometimes am not sure that it was a forewarning of what was to come, my main argument for this being “Why the hell ninjas?” But like I said, I was twelve. I didn’t know what Al Qaeda was, much less how to spell it. I guess ninjas was the only way for my brain to interpret the signals it was getting. Even without the dream, which I probably forgot about by the time I got to school, something just felt different. I never realized what it was until now, ten years after the fact: it was just so quiet. For no reason at all. While walking across the street to get to my school, the heaviness of that previously undetectable silence weighed on my pre-adolescent head like setting cement. I suppose the best way to compare it would be to say that it was like the calm before the storm, although the storm was, as of yet, nowhere in sight. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When our social studies teacher left the room to talk to the assistant principal, I was absolutely convinced that he was getting fired. The AP had never had a problem talking to our teachers in front of us before, so we knew it was something bad. When our teacher walked back in, he told us that he wasn’t supposed to tell us what was going on, but he gave us the news anyway. He said that we deserved to know the truth despite the fact that we were young, and while it was traumatizing as fuck, I appreciated the man’s honesty. My first thought was of my dad; I was pretty sure he was working in the World Trade Center that day, so I was beyond panicked. Turns out, he wasn’t there at all. He was, however, only a few blocks away at 1 Wall. He was supposed to send his apprentice out to get something but forgot to do so. That apprentice would have been walking between the towers just as it all started falling to hell. Lucky break for that guy. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Kids started getting pulled out of school in droves. My brother and I were some of the last people to leave. I was convinced that my mother was going to be the one who picked us up from school or that we were going to be stuck there overnight because nobody was going to be able to get us. My mother is a Physician’s Assistant and, like I thought she might be, was mandated to the hospital. Years later, when I grew older, she told me that the worst she had felt all day was when she was waiting at the hospital for the rush of injured and nobody showed up. She knew exactly why. My dad was actually the one to pick us up; he had walked all the way from downtown Manhattan, cleaning up police officers’ faces as he went by ripping off bits of his t-shirt and using them to wash their faces with the water he had in his water bottle, and hitched a ride on a bread truck while crossing the Brooklyn Bridge on foot. I had never been so happy to see my dad in my life, and even though he was covered in that horrible gray dust, I immediately ran over and gave him a huge hug. A big puff of ash and dust bounced off of him as I did so. It wasn’t for another few years that I realized that it wasn’t just the Twin Towers covering him; it was the people who had been pulverized by the Towers, too. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">My life is very different from what it was ten years ago, and yet in those ten years I never thought to sit down and try to make sense of it all. I never thought to sit down and write about what I was feeling and thinking about the whole thing. I spent ten years of my life living in a very different world, and yet I never thought to map it out for myself. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have been so lost for so long. Why didn’t I do this when it had happened 24 hours ago instead of ten years ago? Maybe it’s because when I was twelve years old, I didn’t know the right words. Maybe I figured if I didn’t write about it, I wouldn’t have to contend with the fact that I had been affected by it. Or maybe it’s because it took me ten years to really process what the hell was going on. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Looking back, I have to wonder what it is about this whole ordeal that has me so upset. Obviously I’m sad about the people who were lost in the tragedy, that’s a given. But I was lucky in that I only knew one person who was in lower Manhattan that day, and he was lucky enough to make it out alive. I felt that I really had no personal connections to the tragedy other than that and the fact that I happened to live here. I didn’t even live in Manhattan; I lived across the water. It almost seemed illogical for me to get so upset about something that I basically had no personal ties to in the first place. But just a few days ago, on the anniversary itself, I realized that the fact that I live here IS a personal tie. It’s not nearly as heartbreaking as losing a loved one, of course, but for twelve years, my entire life, I had lived in this city. I had breathed its air, drank its water, walked on its earth and felt the fire of its spirit. When I was a child, my parents used to wake me up early so that I could join them driving my dad into lower Manhattan for his job, and every single time, I would crane my neck and stare up the entire height of the Twin Towers. Every time I took the bus home from school, I made sure to look out the window and catch a glimpse of the Towers rising above the hills of Victory Boulevard. Every time I took the ferry, I marveled at this seemingly impenetrable, indestructible monument dedicated to us, the New Yorkers who gave this city life. This city is the blood that runs through my veins. So it’s no wonder that when the Towers lay broken and bleeding on the ground, I bled with them. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The Freedom Tower is being built swiftly, yet more proof of just how resilient we are as New Yorkers. For those of us who love New York and its previous skyline, watching a new building take the place of the Towers is very bittersweet. The empty, gaping hole in the skyline was heartbreaking, but seeing the replacement is almost worse. It’s a reminder that we’re slowly but surely healing, yes, but it’s also a reminder of what’s missing. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at that Tower without feeling a twinge of grief for what had to be destroyed in order for it to exist. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Perhaps someday. </div>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-2738358129541363302011-08-26T21:12:00.000-04:002011-08-26T21:12:52.454-04:00And Now For Something Completely Different: A Rant About Humanity (or the Lack Thereof)Dear stockholders, stock speculators, news channels, etc.,<br />
<br />
As most of you, if not all of you, are probably aware, Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. As most of you, if not all of you, are also probably aware, he has had a SLEW of health problems which are the most likely reason for his stepping down from Apple. Based on his medical history, which includes pancreatic cancer and an extensive medical leave (since January), it's pretty safe to say that he's probably very, very sick. You've referenced this yourselves in your broadcasts and whatnot. To speculate how the company will survive without him I can almost understand; he's basically the cornerstone of the entire corporation. He was there from its conception up until he physically could not handle the job anymore, and he said so himself that this was exactly how it was going to be. However, to speculate about how much money he is costing the company by resigning (and, in a few places, insinuating how much money he might cost the company once he passes) is inappropriate. It's beyond tasteless. Especially considering the reasons he's had to step down. <br />
<br />
Seriously, let him spend whatever time he has left in peace and quiet, and let him get cold before you start speculating about how much money he's costing Apple.<br />
<br />
No love,<br />
Me.IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-24283311058915611772011-08-23T04:49:00.000-04:002011-08-24T16:31:00.646-04:00The Goddess and What She Has to Do With Feminism[TW for misogyny, patriarchy, erasure of identity]<br />
<br />
As many people are well aware of, I am an out and proud Pagan as well as a feminist. These two paths, while seemingly unrelated on first glance, actually have quite a bit to do with one another. When I was first starting out on the Pagan path, part of what drew me to it was the fact that there was a Divine Feminine as well as a Divine Masculine (which in the mainstream religions is all that there is). I wasn't yet consciously a feminist, but even as a child, the idea of being represented by an omniscient, omnipresent, all-controlling male deity didn't sit well with me. I often found myself asking myself (and anyone around me who would listen) why it was that if we were all supposedly created in God's image, then how could it be possible that there was only a male deity? There would have to be a female deity as well, because clearly women exist! As I learned more and more about Paganism, I became intimately acquainted with the triple goddess, this ultimate representation of all things feminine, and all seemed right with the world.<br />
<br />
And then I became a feminist.<br />
<br />
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Paganism and/or the triple Goddess concept, the basic gist of it is that there is one female deity with three different forms: Maiden, Mother and Crone (think of this as the Pagan version of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit). The Maiden personifies youth, purity, innocence, etc., the Mother personifies fertility, sexuality, the cycle of creation, etc., and the Crone personifies wisdom, endings and death. The triple Goddess in all her forms is also represented as being nurturing, caring, passive: all qualities that are traditionally identified as feminine. When I first started out on the Pagan path, I had no qualms about or issues with the triple Goddess, but as I got more involved with feminism, I realized just how restrictive this concept of the Goddess can be, especially considering that most Wiccans and Pagans look to the Goddess as a representation of all women. <br />
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The fact that the Goddess is given the traditionally feminine qualities that supposedly "belong" to all women helps perpetuate the stereotype that this is how all women are "supposed" to be; I mean, if the Divine Feminine is just that, feminine, then shouldn't all women emulate that femininity? Shouldn't all women seek to be nurturing, passive, dainty, etc.? It is also pretty observable that most, if not all, artistic portrayals of the Goddess are devoted to conventionally beautiful women; even the Crone aspect of the Goddess is often simply the Mother archetype with silver hair and maybe some crow's feet around her eyes. I have yet to see an artistic portrayal of the Goddess that features a woman who might not be considered conventionally beautiful; a Mother with a pear-shaped figure rather than an hourglass, a Crone with sagging arms and cellulite and varicose veins on her legs, a Maiden with what amounts to an explosion of acne covering her face. According to the popular Pagan song, "We all come from the Goddess," and yet from what I've seen of the portrayals of her, apparently only conventionally beautiful women come from the Goddess; the rest of us are fucked. <br />
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Ultimately, the triple Goddess concept restricts a woman's life cycle to three roles; innocent youth, fertile adult and old woman. Obviously, most of us will fit into these three roles at one point or another in our lives, but women are so much more than just youth, fertility and age rolled into one body. We are artists, dancers, students, teachers, academics, lovers, thinkers, creators, doers, actors, therapists, warriors, champions, destroyers, healers, deconstructers, lushes, partiers. We are all of that and more, and we simply cannot fit every single woman, every single aspect of our womanhood, into only three roles. Many people have tried, of course; for example, any act of creativity, of personal fulfillment, is often neatly filed under the Mother category. Any goddess of fertility or creativity is filed under the Mother category and left there. The logic is that motherhood doesn't necessarily mean giving birth to a child and raising it (e.g. you could "mother" a pet or someone else's children) and that fertility doesn't just apply to the creation of new life; it also applies to the creation of everything else.<br />
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I agree with this, to a point. While I agree with the sentiment that nurturing and fertility should not be restricted to the act of procreation, I also don't feel that these other acts of creation should simply be filed under the role of Mother and forgotten. In my opinion, <b>it oversimplifies the varying goddesses of the different pantheons, as well as each and every act of creation and fulfillment, and forces women to embrace the role of Mother, regardless of whether or not she agrees with that role. It also erases transgendered women in that physical fertility, while often argued as not being the be all and end all of the Mother aspect, is often touted as the ultimate sign of embodying that aspect of the Goddess. </b>Evidence comes in the form of the fact that, despite many people's insistence that fertility is not cemented to procreation when it comes to the Goddess, <b>I have never seen a depiction of the Mother archetype where she was anything other than heavily pregnant. </b>I have never seen a version of the Mother archetype in which she was taking care of animals, painting a picture, writing a thesis, etc. In other words, the archetype of the pregnant Mother overshadows and erases the copious other roles that women fill each and every day, and for the women who do not feel comfortable identifying with the Mother aspect, they are forced to either identify with the Maiden aspect or the Crone aspect, which many women also do not identify with. For example, at this point in my life, I would technically fall under the Mother aspect of the triple Goddess, but that is not a role I identify with. I would identify more with a Goddess of academia...perhaps Athena? Or a Goddess of kicking ass...Sekhmet or Artemis, maybe? Try filing Kali the Destroyer under one of those three aspects and see what happens!<br />
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Once upon a time, I belonged to a Pagan forum where I was told by a fellow Pagan woman that I would never truly know the love of the Goddess because I had not had children of my own nor planned on having any. She then went on to say that I would die alone and unhappy, so I really didn't put much stock into the rest of what she had said either, but she did help to demonstrate how some Pagan women, many of whom come to Paganism as a middle-finger to the patriarchy and who would normally never adhere to the patriarchal demand that all women <i>must become mothers</i>, will <b>readily follow and perpetuate that exact same stereotype as long as it's packaged neatly in a female/Goddess figure.</b> It's much easier to recognize sexist tropes when they come from a recognizable source, but when that same stereotype enters into your belief system, one that you believe is an affront to the horribly sexist system you left behind, it's much harder to identify. <br />
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Honestly, in my opinion, <b>the concept of the triple Goddess is vastly outdated. </b>Obviously not every Pagan will agree with me on this, and I don't expect them to, nor do I demand that they do; the beauty of Paganism is that you have the freedom to believe whatever fulfills your spiritual needs. It is simply my personal belief that there are just too many differences between women (and men) for there to be one deity (even one with three aspects) to cover them all. Does this mean I look down upon mothers? <b>Not in the least.</b> I wouldn't be here if it weren't for a woman who wanted me desperately. Does this mean I look down upon the triple Goddess? <b>Not in the least. </b>Just because my understanding of the triple Goddess goes one way doesn't mean I hold a grudge against her. Does this mean I look down upon women who will continue to honor the triple Goddess in their Pagan practice? <b>Not in the least. </b>Just because my personal understanding of the triple Goddess goes one way doesn't mean that every woman on the planet is going to understand her in the same way, nor would I expect them to do so. <b>Every woman's experience on this planet is going to be different</b>, ergo their understandings of divinity and Paganism in general are going to be different as well. I simply believe that we should honor <b>all forms of the Goddess</b>, the warrior Goddesses and the academic Goddesses and the artistic Goddesses, etc., on equal footing with the mother Goddesses. <br />
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My personal vision of the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine is that they are created from the collective unconscious of every single woman and man (cisgender and transgender) on the planet. In my vision, the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine do not encompass women and men, respectively; they encompass whoever feels drawn to them. In other words, an effeminate man who identifies more with the Divine Feminine is just as much a part of the Divine Feminine as any woman could be, and a masculine woman who identifies more with the Divine Masculine is just as much a part of the Divine Masculine as any man could be. A genderqueer person with no specific gender identity is welcome in both the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine without question, while a person who identifies with both genders is accepted just as readily. In my mind, <b>the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine are comparable to those ripples of oil that you sometimes see in puddles</b>. With every drop of rain that hits those puddles, with every footfall, that oil swirls and changes; so, too, do the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine, and with each person that makes hir way into existence, <b>they change ever-so-slightly in order to meet the needs of the people seeking them out. </b>IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3907200028452764488.post-3442365744859249462011-08-19T20:40:00.000-04:002011-08-19T20:45:10.020-04:00Welcome to Rape Culture[TW for rape culture, rape apologia, victim-blaming, patriarchy]<br />
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It's absolutely amazing [read: terrifying] to me how hard people will fight to keep the rape culture running. How vehemently people will argue that the rape culture doesn't exist. How passionately people will argue that okay, maybe the rape culture <i>does </i>exist, but aren't we taking this just a little too far? How difficult it is for people to realize why rape prevention programs that place the burden of preventing the crime on the victim instead of the criminal help perpetuate the rape culture. How hard people will argue that yeah, we should teach men not to rape, but we don't live in a perfect world, so we should also teach women how not to be raped, and not realize how that idea also helps perpetuate the rape culture. <span data-jsid="text"> </span><br />
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The rape culture has everything to do with the patriarchy and with women being given second class status to men. Men are <b>never told</b> what to wear, where to go and at what times of day it would be appropriate for them to be there, how much to drink (if at all), who to go home with, how many people it's acceptable or not acceptable for them to sleep with, etc. <b>This burden is always placed on women. </b>When you tell a woman she's not allowed to wear certain clothing, that she's not allowed to go out to certain places at certain times, that she's not allowed to drink a lot (or at all), who she's allowed to go home with and how many people she's allowed to sleep with, etc., <b>not only do you implicitly blame her for any crimes that might be committed against her, you take away her agency. You take away her right to make decisions about her own life. </b>This is directly related to the patriarchal idea that women are meant to be controlled, that we cannot (and should not) be allowed to have our own autonomous lives. We are instead meant to live in total fear and submission, and this is where the whole "here's how not to get raped" thing connects to the problem. </span><br />
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<span data-jsid="text">The problem with teaching women how to avoid getting raped is that if they do get raped, <b>the implication is that they didn't listen to the people telling them how not to get raped</b> and that is blaming the victim, no matter how you slice it. There are people who argue that even when teaching men not to rape that some people are going to fall through the cracks, so women should be taught how not to be raped, as well. People are going to fall through the cracks, yes, that is an unfortunate fact of life, but <b>rapists are the only ones who should have to be told anything concerning the prevention of rape</b>. A woman should be able to walk down the street in the shittiest fucking neighborhood fucking NAKED and DRUNK OUT OF HER MIND and <b>expect not to be raped</b>. She should be able to go to the police and <b>expect that they won't put her on trial for her own assault</b>. She should be able to do, dress, talk, act however she pleases and <b>expect not to be raped</b>. Telling women "this is how you avoid getting raped" in this society, a society that condones, normalizes and, dare I say it, <b>encourages rape</b>, is equivalent to saying <b>"if you don't follow these rules, then you deserve what you get." </b></span><br />
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<span data-jsid="text">No, we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world where if a woman is raped, <b>she is guilty until proven innocent and the rapist innocent until proven guilty</b>. We live in a world where her rapist will often never go to trial because either the victim knows how her case will be treated by a court of law and doesn't bother to report the rape because she knows how it will end up, or her rapist is acquitted. We live in a world where rape victims are put on trial by the very people who are supposed to be helping them, where questions that amount to<b> "What did you do to make this happen to you"</b> are ok to ask the victim. No matter how much women do to "prevent rape,"<b> it is never enough</b>. If you dressed modestly, you were out too late. If you went home early, you were dressed like a slut. If you were home early and dressed modestly, then you drank too much (or at all). If you were sober and home early and dressed modestly, then you simply gave off all the wrong signals and didn't say "no" loudly enough. <br />
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So really, all the ways we're supposed to keep ourselves "safe," in the end, <b>don't really matter at all</b>. It's just a list of things that help rape apologists blame the victims instead of the criminals, and as a result, the victims wind up defending themselves while the rapists walk free. <br />
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And that, my friends, is the rape culture in a nutshell. </span> IlyssaShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01212947809960457354noreply@blogger.com3